Features of relationships between couples before and after marriage. Simple rules: how to quarrel less often Why quarrels often occur between couples
Do you often argue with your partner? I do. If not, then you're probably weird, to be honest. Well, either you have pronounced passive-aggressive behavior, or simply passive. Or all three combined. Ultimately, it doesn't matter that much. of great importance if you are in a quarrel with a loved one.
It is likely that tension in a relationship can always be relieved, and the conflict can somehow be resolved through confidential dialogue and discussion of the essence of the problem, but almost always there is a residue in the soul and nothing can be done about it. Given all this, I was thinking that all relationships are somewhat similar. It follows from this that they also have approximately similar reasons leading to their deterioration. Below I will give ten main reasons that, in my opinion, lead to quarrels between lovers.
Sex
It is one of the most often hidden reasons for dissatisfaction in a partner. In many ways, mutual shyness can contribute to the formation of the problem when a couple begins to be sexually active. However, discrepancies in this matter may well be identified almost immediately after the start of a relationship, which will protect your emotional sphere from further turmoil.
Neatness
You probably won't find two people with the same ideas about this category. One person's habits may seem extremely unacceptable to another. And in general, in such a situation someone can always turn out to be a slob or dirty in the eyes of a partner. On the contrary, for a “slob” his other half will seem like a pedantic neat guy with manic tendencies, which can lead to permanent quarrels. The secret to solving this puzzle lies on the surface, accepting the differences between you as a fact, you just need to make reasonable compromises with your loved one. On the other hand, you can just continue to swear and argue.
Illusion of memory or false memories
Many disputes are not about facts, but about their interpretation by each partner. In addition, each of us mythologizes our past, presenting ourselves in a more favorable light. This leads to the fact that after a quarrel, while trying to figure out what exactly is going wrong, everyone sees flaws only in someone else, but not in themselves. This is precisely the breeding ground for all subsequent conflicts in the future. Well, trust each other and be honest with each other.
Inability to cook or unwillingness to do so
Just use the services of a professional chef, invite her/your mother over, or go to the store and buy more semi-finished products.
Transferring blame to others
This is when a person feels the need to blame not himself for all his troubles, but someone else, for example, his partner. Unable to find the strength to admit the overwhelming force of circumstances or their own mistakes, people often resort to shifting the blame onto others. In addition, introverts blame themselves more, while extroverts blame other people. This probably explains why such people often stay together, despite frequent quarrels.
Who decides what's best for children?
If you already have a family and children, then this is even more reason to quarrel. Once upon a time, a long time ago, everything was simpler and the decisive vote belonged to the mother or father, because everything depended on the era that was being considered. Now we can only guess who is in charge. Of course, you can resort to quiet, rational discussion of the issue, which may lead to a mutual compromise, or ask a fairy to intervene to help resolve the dilemma. Don't be discouraged, any of the options are equally possible.
Interior design or furniture selection
Here, too, it is worth immediately making a reservation regarding the role of women in this process. If in the old days it was exclusively their prerogative, now everything is not so clear, given how many metrosexuals have divorced in our time.
Money
This is an age-old question that has haunted all relationships since time immemorial. Who earns more? Should you give everything you earn to your wife or hide part of the money in a stash? What if she earns more and I want to be the head of the family? It seems that these and many other questions will never be answered unambiguously, correct for each specific case, each individual family.
Relatives
Perhaps you like her sister a little more than she does, or your mother is convinced that she is not good enough for you. Or her father is a narcissistic and arrogant idol with a beer belly, but she still considers him a worthy example for you. Usually, the way you perceive your family and the way your partner perceives it are quite different things. Also, the relationship between your parents often shapes our own idea of such in general, and this is important to take into account when building a relationship with another person who may have a completely different idea of the ideal family.
Holidays
Sometimes, rarely, but it’s still like a gap between hope, ideal and terrible reality. Everything turns out completely differently than originally planned. This leads to hidden disappointment and then to conflicts. Then you look for someone who can be blamed for the failure, and then the fifth point makes itself felt again.
In addition to all of the above, there are many more reasons why you may have disagreements with your loved one. Whether you have heard or not, applied sociology even has a theory of the concentration of social interaction. According to this theory, habits and annoying characteristics that are tolerable, sometimes even endearing, for a short period of time can become simply unbearable when you are together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
What can I say, find the strength to admit your part of the blame for what happened, share responsibility, learn to listen to each other and take a break from each other more often.
Got a girlfriend? Are you going to marry her or, what is much more irreparable, take out a joint mortgage loan? Wait with that. At least until the end of the article.
Text: Alexey Karaulov
Illustrations: Sergey Radionov
How to distinguish a life partner who will be with you in wealth and poverty until the latter separates you, from a casual acquaintance? Eating a pound of salt together is a dubious test of the strength of a future relationship. As a result, both of you will probably develop facial swelling, which will have a bad effect on your sex appeal. For a long, and most importantly, happy life together, what is required is not the ability to absorb sodium, but other very specific qualities: constructiveness, mental stability, the ability not to fall into the delirium of jealousy. Wanting to make your life easier, MAXIM, with the support of family psychologists from the Moscow branch of the Professional Psychoanalytic League, has compiled a list of situations in which you simply must visit with a girl. Until you go through the entire list, don’t even think about calling her the mother of your children, or the trembling of your loins, or the moon of your life. To understand whether she is the one or just a protracted adventure, you simply must...
Quarreling with her over a valid reason
Of course, it helps to know in advance whether she can throw a waffle iron across the room and how long she can rip the hair out of your back. But above all, something else is interesting. A quarrel is a tool for achieving compromise, and you need to be able to use it. There are two basic rules here. First of all, a good fight always contains a message. “You never put a cup in the sink”, “I sit like a fool all evening alone”, “Could you slam the door even harder tomorrow morning, otherwise I don’t think I woke up today?” - these are all examples of messages. They are easily recognized by their pronouns and the words “always” and “never.” You can respond to messages with counter-arguments or a promise to fix everything. If during a quarrel she simply shouts that you are a pig, it means that the quarrel was not a success. Frequent conflicts without messages are an alarming sign: you are clearly dealing with a hysterical woman who is not looking for the truth, but is indulging in her quarrelsomeness. At a minimum, ask her leading questions: “Did I understand correctly what’s bothering you...” or “Maybe I need more often...”, or even just run away.
Second rule: it is better when a quarrel reaches open confrontation. If a girl locked herself in the bathtub, went to her mother’s, or sent you an SMS “I know everything,” and then spent the night somewhere from Thursday to Sunday, this is avoiding the problem. The point of a good fight is not to make anyone feel guilty, but to find a solution together. You can sometimes extract a message from a withdrawn person by constantly repeating “Let’s discuss this” and “What happened?”, but in general it is difficult to deal with a suppressed or interrupted quarrel. Buffer behavior is also bad when one of the partners tries to extinguish any conflict in the bud. If you have lived together for several years without any quarrels at all, things may come to the point of neuroses or the purchase of an axe, a shovel and a large plastic bag. Jokes aside. A girl who does not allow a quarrel to flare up, dousing the fire with sex, jokes, more and more new concessions (oral sex), is unlikely to become a good wife.
The reverse is also true
The result of a quarrel is usually some kind of improvement, or at least an attempt at it. If a friend starts every evening with the mantra “I’ve been working like hell all day, and you came and got your head in the TV!” - Perhaps you are not quarreling with her that way. You certainly don’t need to extinguish quarrels, even if they seem like riots to you, by banging your fist on the table or using force in some other way: this is also a type of buffering behavior. Better try to understand the essence of her dissatisfaction. She doesn't like being alone? Is she tired of housekeeping? Is it scary that love is leaving? Once you get to the roots, everything will work out.
Leave her alone with the problem
How many times have you cursed her with the most port-like words, and then crawled out from behind the warm computer and rushed to the other end of the city - to take the cat out of the hood, change a punctured tire, take her a forgotten wallet... So, next time - don’t! Yes, we know the meaning of the word “gentleman”, we understand that it is “not like a boy,” but still. No matter how nice it is for you to help her and no matter how much sex it promises as a reward, one day you must do nothing. The keeper of your hearth should be able to independently get out of unforeseen situations. And to do this without hysterics, insults (“Scoundrel! While you were sitting here, I was looking for a phone number on the Internet! The phone number of this office!”) and shifting worries onto someone else’s shoulders: her ex, father or work colleagues. If today she can’t cope with the fact that her luggage was lost, her car was scratched at the car wash, and the ATM swallowed her card, imagine what will happen when you decide to have children. Can you leave her alone with the child if you are afraid to leave her even just alone? By the way, a special case of independence is the ability to take a blow. Have you ever been present when she was unfairly hurt by a stranger? But it would be necessary. If, in response to rudeness, she does not sit down and cry in the middle of the street, does not hit the waiter with a pepper shaker and does not resort to obscenities - this is good sign. Otherwise, you will have to educate her for a long, long time. Do you need it?
The reverse is also true
If you treat the woman you live with as a machine for doing tedious but necessary work (and at the same time she is not your mother; although if she is a mother, then things are very bad) - this is also a form of lack of independence. It is possible that one day when you come home, you will not find not only freshness, cleanliness and dinner there, but also your friend herself.
Try to do without sex
God grant that the sun of your passion never sets, and the moon of erectile dysfunction never peeks through the window, but still, anything can happen. It is useful to find out how your candidate for lifelong companion will cope with a week or two without sex. There are many ways to do this: a business trip, a simple operation (sex is contraindicated even after laser vision correction), and finally, you can have a headache too! There are two bad scenarios: having lost her core, a nymphomaniac can go wild, even to the point of being accused of impotence or treason, and a nature prone to anorgasmia will not notice the deprivation at all. All this is fraught with problems in the future: the lack of alternative relational cement will not allow you to normally survive either pregnancy or, if it comes to that, its menopause. A positive reaction to forced celibacy is languor, jokes with subtext, etc. And in general, a bright mind will always find something to fill the sexual vacuum!
The reverse is also true
A man who is unable to live in porn factories for a couple of weeks is doomed. Yes, of course, sex with prostitutes in some primitive cultures is not considered treason, but still... If at her words “Honey, the doctor said we can’t do it yet,” you begin to mentally look for a replacement for her, perhaps you shouldn’t be together.
Provoke jealousy
Women may not flock to you like flies to pheromones, but the jealousy factor will arise sooner or later. To your ex, to your secretary, or to the ghosts that your friend herself wove out of thin air and suspicion. It is the delusion of jealousy (the obsessive desire to be jealous of you out of nowhere) that poses the greatest danger. If you encounter it, prepare for the appearance of a family psychotherapist in your family life: delusions of jealousy do not go away on their own. Another unhealthy symptom is hyperreaction to your punctures. If you are deprived of sex for a month because you wrote to someone on “Contact” “Cool stretching! Can you do this without clothes?” - get ready for a feat of self-denial and lies. In general, it is quite difficult to be jealous correctly. At a minimum, you and your friend should have a conversation that clarifies the boundaries of permissible flirting. And she should never deprive you of concessions that have already been made. If you were once allowed to give anyone a ride to work as long as there were condoms in the glove compartment, then you can no longer say: “No, I thought that after all, you can’t do this.” At least, this is how the ideal future wife behaves.
The reverse is also true
Concessions in matters of jealousy are not uncommon in the early stages of a relationship. Never tell her, “Of course, go dance with him, honey, while I lie under the table,” no matter how much you want to seem like a generous and broad-minded person. The boundaries of permissible flirting are difficult to redefine. Keep this in mind and be honest with your friend about your reactions to her behavior.
Meet the parents
If you have two parents, that's not bad. Daughters of divorced women quite often grow up to be secret furies simply because their childhood was poisoned by stories about what bastards all men are. But much more than your father, you should be interested in her mother and the relationship of your chosen one with her. Firstly, it is dangerous when a girl turns to her mother for advice on any minor matter, constantly seeks her support and climbs into her lap with her legs, while being a candidate of science and a master of sports in skiing. Psychologists in such cases would say that your chosen one has not gone through the stage of “alienation” from the parent. Torn away from her mother after marriage, guess who she clings to just as tightly? If you don’t want to answer calls eight times a day with the phrase “No, I’m not going home yet,” try not to choose your mother’s daughter as your life partner. Or at least be prepared to take her to a family psychologist. Secondly, be wary if you notice any deviations from ordinary polite goodwill. Is your fiancée cold towards her mother? Do they manage to quarrel in half an hour of communication? Constantly pointing at each other across the table with stings dripping with sarcasm? Be sure: such behavior will most likely be transferred to your children. Decide in advance whether you are ready to raise a notorious hysteroid or a neurotic. And at least point out to your friend the pattern of behavior that frightens you. Awareness is halfway to solving the problem.
The reverse is also true
You may not notice anything like this about yourself for the time being, but if your parents practiced sexual hypocrisy, henpeckedness and libations, at least tell your friend about it. And ask them to correct you when you take the path of your ancestors.
Involve her in a stressful situation
“Did I take a wrong turn?!” You have a map! You said it!..” In the era of early GPS, such conversations with girls happened quite often. Today, there are fewer nervous situations that require your coordinated actions, but that makes them more valuable. Trying to put together a wardrobe or get out of a riot police cordon at an opposition rally, people often reveal their ugly essence. Hysteria, panic stupor, an attempt to shift the blame onto you, aggression, unjustified accusations of powerlessness - all this can lie dormant for the time being and come to the surface just at such a stressful moment. Why would it be good to know about her transformation into the Hulk, who confuses right and left, in advance? That’s right, after the birth of a child the number of such situations will increase, and hormones certainly will not make your chosen one calmer.
The reverse is also true
If in such moments of the merger of two souls, one of which constantly tilts the wall of the closet, although you told her a hundred times “Hold it straight,” - well, if at such moments she really infuriates you and seems like an impenetrable armless dumbass... It’s not for us to decide, is it true. Just keep in mind that it may not be easy for you to get along.
Survive the crisis together
The phrase “We can’t afford it now” can freeze other relationships worse than leaving the air conditioner on all night. But besides the financial crisis, there are others: you can get sick, temporarily lose your job, lose a loved one, get caught by robbers. What in this case, potential love-to-the-death should definitely not do is to aggravate your situation with taunts, even very witty ones, or phrases like “You are doing this to spite me.” A couple always experiences crises as a couple. If one of you is looking for consolation not in the other, but in drugging the problem (meaning any repression of grief by an obsessive habit - from alcohol to playing video games) or on the side, the matter is rubbish. The real chosen one will understand everything and take care of you herself. There can be no exceptions to this rule.
By the way, some psychologists suggest considering any crisis a “temporary drop in the level of attractiveness.” In marriage and living together, couples are usually stable in which these levels were initially approximately equal. And not only external sex appeal is taken into account, but also any attributes of strength: financial status, intelligence, ability for moral and personal growth. If the levels are unequal, the crisis will be permanent: one of you (okay, maybe just one at once) will feel inferior, and this will slowly undermine the relationship.
The reverse is also true
Can't come to terms with the fact that she gained a few pounds while she was on the waiting list for a kidney donation? Alas, in this couple you are the weak link. The correct reactions to a crisis are sympathy, generosity, readiness for self-sacrifice, readiness to develop a plan of joint action... If you don’t notice any of this in yourself, perhaps you shouldn’t propose to this particular girl. When she gives birth and greets you from work shouting: “Look, look! Do I really look like a hippopotamus with these legs?” – your cold heart can’t stand it. It's better not to let it come to this.
Find a fatal flaw
In our age of bioimplants and invisaligns, almost nothing is a death sentence. And yet, your girlfriend can probably boast of at least some shortcomings - otherwise, why would she date an ordinary you? Before you decide to live happily ever after with her, find at least one truly fatal flaw. It could be a tuneless laugh, a habit of fainting after sex in a stuffy heated bathroom, eternally cold feet - in general, you get the idea. Something fundamentally cannot be corrected either by willpower or the efforts of a surgeon. Be sure: when the passion subsides and you stop being walking factories for the production of oxytocin for each other, any “factory” defect will infuriate you much more than in the first months of dating. You have to be aware: this is not going anywhere. If you can't live with it now, it will only get worse. If you can, then consider the girl ideal.
The reverse is also true
In the first months or even years after we meet, we tend to play the role of people who are somewhat better than we actually are. Somewhat more faithful, with slightly less hair sticking out of their ears, without the habit of waking up in the middle of the night and sneaking food. Perhaps the best strategy at first is to let the shortcomings come to light. Moreover, neurolinguists have a hypothesis that women more often make mistakes in assessing someone else’s personality, because they are used to thinking cataphatically, that is, descriptively: “My beloved should be tall, dark-haired, in a suit and with a big balance.” Men are more likely to have exclusionary, apophatic thinking: “She shouldn’t burr, be dirty and drag dogs into the house.” Simply put, thanks to this difference in the perception of the world, it is easier for a woman to look through your shortcomings. Help her not to be deceived.
Go on vacation together
Think about it, does a joint vacation remind you of anything? You can’t get away from each other, you are sometimes forced to get out of bed to get food, you come to spend the night in the same place and divide the budget. That's right, it's family life in miniature! Can you bear it twenty-four hours a day? Does she start to get cranky when the unique fun ends and you say, “Should we go sunbathing again?” Do you find common topics of conversation after the third time that night? And after the fourth? What is there! Vacation allows you to test even her inner mistress. The fact that order is restored by invisible Vietnamese elves only encourages your companion to reveal all her sloppiness. Does she throw the towels on the floor, knowing that they will be removed anyway, or does she fold them, knowing the same thing? Does he leave mangosteen skins on the bedside table or go out onto the balcony to throw them at the geckos? From a drop of water, a sage can guess the existence of an ocean. And now, on vacation, you have the power to see an ocean of problems on the horizon.
The reverse is also true
If the missus shows too obvious independence, leaving you to drink in the company of newfound Australian friends, perhaps your union did not pass the test of communication. And not at all because of her. Most often, the line of cleavage runs along the lack of a common hobby. She likes to climb the reefs with her camera, and you like to lie in the shade? She invites you to the Dali Museum, and you like to lie in the shade? She loves to lie in the shade and read...oh my! However, different interests in themselves are not a death sentence for a relationship. What matters is how you respond to this difference. If one of you, taking off a T-shirt with the inscription “sex instructor”, reluctantly compromises - posing, looking for shells, walking around the market resignedly - then everything is not so bad. In the end, family life will consist of compromises. And if irritation overflows, you can always quarrel! Fortunately, this is also useful, as we have already found out.
See her drunk
Quarrels while traveling- a fairly common occurrence. After all, leaving everyday worries at home does not get rid of habits and, to be honest, the burden of grievances and claims against each other accumulated over the year. Stormy scenes from family life can poison the longed-for vacation. And from the outside they look not only absurd, but also repulsive. There is a traditional set of “hooks”, upon which the satellites catch on and begin to strike sparks from each other. We offer you simple tips on how to avoid this.
1. When to be at the airport
Some of you will definitely be overly anxious. The other one is too “don’t care” about it. Thinking about possible collisions on the road, for example, about banal traffic jams, you can drive yourself to paranoia and leave about five hours before departure. But also consider that better at home An hour of sleep rather than sitting in a waiting room for three hours is not a good approach and usually results in a sprint with weights (suitcases). In order not to quarrel, agree with your partner(s) on the middle ground between “close” and “too early”.
2. You forgot your passport!
Without a doubt, the main nightmare of everyone going on a trip. Finding your passport missing at the security counter is a disaster. But even if you tell your companion everything that you think about him (her) in the presence of hundreds of spectators, this will not improve matters. Decide which of you is the most pedantic and, by a general vote, appoint him responsible for the documents. Don't leave things to chance. Control each other and don’t freak out when someone asks: “Do you have your passports?” Make sure of this and answer calmly.
3. Sofa, suitcase, travel bag...
For a man, shorts, a Panama hat and rubber slippers are enough. A girl may worry about a forgotten pareo (even her husband will doubt whether it is a bra or panties), or an insufficient number of dresses or shoes, from her point of view. It is likely that half of what she took on the trip will not come out of her suitcase throughout the entire vacation. Assume that each passenger on an airplane can carry up to 23 kg of luggage free of charge. Total: your “alcoholic” T-shirt plus her entire wardrobe - everyone is happy!
4. Laurels of Ivan Susanin
Quarrels on vacation often occur due to the fact that the way men and women orient themselves in space is different. They choose fundamentally different reference points both on the ground and on the map. A way out of this situation may be a navigator with voice notification. He, as an arbitrator, will not give you a reason to quarrel, accusing each other of geographical cretinism. If there is no such assistant, mark all significant points on the map and draw a route. And if you still get lost, rejoice, because this is also a kind of adventure - perhaps much more interesting than the entire past vacation.
5. “In their captivating footsteps...”
If a man occasionally glances at the sirloin of beauties passing by, this is not a reason to arrange scenes of jealousy for him. The key word in this matter is “occasionally”; for males this behavior is considered normal. By the way, girls also often glance at handsome men, but they do it less noticeably. There's no need to quarrel over this.
6. Shooting with your eyes
For women, this is just as natural behavior as for men - a mental numerical estimate of the size of the bust of a neighbor on the beach. If your companion does not lose interest in you, then this is not a reason for a quarrel.
7. “I am not Conchita Wurst”
Most men despise cosmetics. However, when traveling in hot countries, even the most “thick-skinned” can, especially in Thailand. If you don’t want to spend half your vacation sitting in the lotus position in your room, then let your companion anoint you. The crust will be more ruddy and appetizing.
8. “Sea of Beer”
Guys, you can become a beautiful dolphin any Friday without leaving the couch. You shouldn’t fly to distant lands to suffer from a banal “dry forest” or a headache. There are so many interesting things around. And not only for you, but also for your companion, whose eyes can shoot with precision.
9. Three meters against the wind
The cuisine at the resort may be completely unfamiliar to you, and its ingredients may cause a violent protest from the body. If your companion doubts the digestibility of the proposed dishes, then it is better to agree with him. If you can’t talk them out of it, eat together. Scaring the toilet alone is very sad and annoying for those who want to go to the beach.
10. “This one... is from Facebook.”
Before traveling to Thailand, buy the cheapest push-button mobile phone. Firstly, it is unlikely to be stolen, and it is not particularly a pity to lose it. Secondly, you will be able to pay more attention to your significant other, since you simply will not get stuck in the “brick”, thereby not giving him (her) a reason for a quarrel.
Learn from board-certified psychologists and relationship experts to learn what causes most couples' arguments and how you can deal with them.
Money
Expenses are the most common reason clashes between partners, statistics say so. This is not at all surprising considering that so many people these days share income with their partners. We all have different financial levels. Some are from a rich family, and some are from a poor family. No matter how things go with it as a couple, you both probably have clear ideas about how finances should be distributed. To stop fighting over salaries and expenses, try to discuss how each of you handles money and how you can manage a joint fund. 
Intimate life
If you have been together for several years or even decades, you have probably already noticed that over time the relationship loses the intensity that overwhelms it in the early stages. This is especially noticeable if you live under the same roof and have a similar schedule. Then you start to feel like you are spending too much time together. In this case, your intimate life may suffer. This is a serious problem that often causes discord in relationships. If you notice that intimate contacts are becoming less and less frequent, and you also lose understanding of the importance of such experiences, the relationship becomes unpleasant and tense. Discuss what your intimate needs are and what you consider healthy in a relationship. Love is like a plant that needs to be watered and you should always work towards the happiness of your union. 
Spending time apart
No matter what stage you're at in your relationship, you're probably having a hard time finding a balance between the time you spend away from each other and the time you spend together. It's normal if you have your own friends and interests outside of the relationship, you need a partner who will understand and support this. Discuss what you consider a healthy balance and be supportive of your partner's individual efforts as well as their professional life. This will help you appreciate the time you spend together more. 
Lack of communication
People in relationships often suffer from the fact that they cannot discuss various problems with each other. In this case, even the simplest plans, like what you want to do on the weekend, can become difficult. Talking about the future of your relationship, living together, sex, children, financial problems and the like will become an even more serious problem for you. Both need to have developed basic communication skills: learn to listen and speak as clearly as possible, otherwise you will have difficulty getting your needs met. You will not be able to achieve mutual understanding if there are omissions and lack of communication along the way. As a result, communication deteriorates and a vicious circle results. 
Problems managing emotions
Communication is very important, but it is equally important to be able to clearly identify your own emotions. This is necessary for a successful and lasting relationship. When one or both partners have trouble identifying and expressing their emotions constructively, this leads to problems at the level of understanding. As a result, omissions arise that interfere with proper intimacy. In addition, as a result, one of the partners often feels that the other does not perceive him correctly and does not understand him. A situation arises where only one person is forced to constantly adapt to the mood swings of another and understand his emotions. This works for some couples, but not for all. The problem may arise because a person who has difficulty expressing emotions ends up keeping their thoughts to themselves. Working with a therapist can help in this situation. The sooner you go to family therapy, the better, because over time, more and more negativity and problems will accumulate. Resolving them will be much more difficult. 
Division of household duties
Determining who takes out the trash, washes kitchen surfaces, does laundry, and the like is not always easy for couples. According to statistics, even people who are not in romantic relationships encounter conflicts on this basis with their roommates. It can be very difficult to determine who has what responsibilities. Try making a list of all the things you need to do, note how often, and assign each one a portion of those things. Stick to the plan you've worked out together. Sometimes you can delegate some of the responsibilities, because it is better to spend money on a housekeeper than to get a divorce. 
Communication with friends and relatives
When you live alone, you can always decide who and when to invite. If you share housing with someone else, their opinion also matters, and it may be very different from yours. Additionally, your partner may have a completely different schedule, which leads to him needing silence when you would like to do something else. In addition, we all have our own characteristics and desires in terms of communication. Discuss how much time it would be appropriate for each of you to spend in the company of friends or loved ones. This is especially important if you work different schedules or have different personal space preferences. Try not to violate the boundaries of the other person and meet him. 
Sleep at the same time, together
This problem is associated with different schedules, but sometimes people simply have different biorhythms: someone is a night owl, and someone is a lark. Because of this, you may begin to grow apart from each other. If you sleep in different rooms or different time, intimate life suffers. People feel distance growing between them and their partners when they go to bed alone and do not experience intimacy. Discuss how important this is to you personally. For some it doesn't matter, but for most it still matters. If you want to sleep together, explain to your partner why this is important to you. If your schedules coincide, make an effort to go to bed as often as possible. 
Unresolved problems
There are two types of unresolved issues that can negatively impact your relationship. If you are able to deal with them, they only strengthen the connection and lead to personal development. Firstly, emotional problems can often be associated with previous romantic relationships or some kind of conflict in the family. Let's say a person experienced betrayal in the past and now cannot fully trust his partner. Secondly, there are unresolved problems in the past of the current relationship that no one has discussed. For example, partners separated for some time, and then got back together, but never discussed the reasons that prompted the separation. This leads to problems in the stability of relationships and makes it difficult to trust your partner. 
Sexual difficulties
Many people have a fairly satisfactory sex life, but some never deal with their problems, although they constantly experience them. People live in dissatisfaction and say nothing. This can lead to serious problems in the future. Don't have sex that doesn't bring you pleasure, and don't talk about your needs. Normal sexual relations are an important component of a healthy union. If you have problems related to this, seek help from a therapist.
Conflicts and their constructive resolution are the only way to achieve harmony in a couple. Find out what you can gain if you stop avoiding arguments.
1. you will begin to trust each other more.
Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly terrify many couples so much that they prefer to avoid them at all costs. People consider such quarrels fatal to relationships. And completely in vain.
Attention! Only if you manage to talk without getting personal, but without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them accessible to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm subsides.
Having survived one quarrel, you will be less afraid of the next ones. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you can fully cope with possible disagreements. As a result, you won't put off difficult conversations with your significant other until the last minute. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out what is wrong as early as possible.
2. After a quarrel you will feel much better.
Thus, if you can express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will have a positive effect on both your mental health and physical health.
Of course, this doesn't mean you need to dump all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it’s better to express everything that’s boiling over than to keep it inside and wait for everything to work itself out.
Greg Godek, author Love books: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, believes that the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real quarrels. Talking too cautiously will lead nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to let out all the emotions in order to finally figure out what’s going on.
The only rule that should be followed in quarrels is not to hit your partner or throw heavy objects at him. As for the rest, go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do anything if you feel it will help.
Greg Godek.
3. your partner learns about your thoughts and feelings.
No matter how close you are, your partner cannot read your mind. He probably just doesn’t realize how much some topic offends you.
At the same time, the question arises: how to convey your thoughts to your partner so that he perceives them correctly and is not offended? Especially if these are some claims against him. How not to depress him with your dissatisfaction?
Try not to blame, but to talk about your feelings, about how your partner’s behavior affects you. Psychologists call these I - statements. For example, you might say, "I'm fed up with your work." I - a statement that conveys the same idea would sound like this: “It really upsets me that you often come home late. I would like to spend more time together.”
They say that arguing brings out our worst traits. But they can also detect ours best qualities, if we can handle the hardest part of them.
4. you will become closer.
During arguments, you find out what is important to your partner, what he likes, what he wants, how he sets boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him and what he needs to feel better.
In the event that you quarreled because your significant other is throwing socks around the apartment, the matter may be completely different. Perhaps the reason lies in respect and personal space, and not in neatness.
Greg Godek.
There is one more fact that cannot be ignored. Sex after a disagreement is worth almost any quarrel. And it will also make you closer to each other. In all senses.
5. you will understand that your soul mate is a separate person.
Quarrels very quickly dispel the illusion that you have already merged into one whole and reached complete mutual understanding. It would be good if this never happened. This way you can get to know each other from new sides throughout your life.
6. you will become a better person.
You learn to focus on what matters most. On the fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want close person was happy. This is how you become more patient, understanding and caring, and learn to truly love.
When you're in the middle of a fight, you're clearly not having fun. You feel disgusting. In a way, quarrels are reminiscent of sports training. Isn't it always nice to sweat at the gym? No. But you are your own weak spots pumping.
Greg Godek.
To quarrel is to forge a sword of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
7. You will understand that you don't have to be perfect.
Fighting shows that you are only human. Sometimes you're in bad mood, sometimes you are overwhelmed by stress, and sometimes you are simply tired. Accordingly, your relationship cannot be ideal.
All your inner cockroaches, which you are aware of or not aware of, will make themselves felt in close relationships. It's unavoidable.
During a quarrel, our inner children come into interaction. They are vulnerable and irrational. It's like you're two or three years old again. Therefore, when they hurt you, remember that it is a child doing it. To do this, you can keep a childhood photo of your loved one on hand. Hedy Shleifer, licensed psychologist - consultant, director of the Center for Relationship Therapy.
Constant quarrels in relationships. Why do quarrels arise?
The fact that you quarrel shows that you care about what happens between you. You still care about each other. Otherwise, you would not react so violently to what is happening, there would be no intensity of passions. However, a quarrel also indicates that not everything between you is as ideal and smooth as we would like. There is a certain problem that is causing the conflict.
A quarrel indicates a change in the situation and that your relationship as a couple is developing. It is the controversial issues and conflict situations that arise between loving people, force them to work together to find a solution to the problem, try to change and become better in order to preserve their love.
Thanks to quarrels that ended in reconciliation and conflicts that were resolved through joint efforts, couples take their relationship to a new level. Such shake-ups are a kind of test of the strength of feelings for a couple who wants to be together.
Why do quarrels occur in relationships?
Sometimes conflict situations can arise if people are already in a bad mood before a quarrel or in a negative state after a working day, exhausted. Also, the reason for its occurrence may be a lack of understanding on the other side.
For example, a wife expects her husband to wash the dishes and clear the table after he eats, but he doesn’t do this, and a conflict may arise. If the wife is busy and in a good mood, everything will work out, and she will be able to remove it herself, but otherwise it seems like a trifle, but there may already be a reason or reason for a quarrel.
Conflict situations are almost constantly caused emotionally. Sometimes in a strong quarrel that started small, at the end offensive or unpleasant phrases like “I regret that I met you!”, “How could I even let you become a part of my life?!” Without even noticing, you can express everything that has been brewing and painful for several years. The result is discomfort, the mood of both is spoiled, nerves are frayed, but there are no conclusions, and this is the worst outcome of the quarrel.
Similar situations can happen to couples who love each other very much. This kind of quarrel only causes harm to relationships, and there are practically no results. You can recover from this in different ways: within an hour or after a few weeks. But, unfortunately, the fact of a quarrel may appear after some time. There are certain rules for reducing a quarrel to minimal damage for both.
1. A quarrel, if it has already arisen, must have a good reason. In the example, you could simply answer: “I don’t like that you don’t wash the dishes after yourself and don’t clear the table.”
2. If you both deviate from the topic of the quarrel, it is better to stop doing this.
3. It’s definitely not worth pointing out shortcomings, for example, with the words “Sloppy, inattentive, frivolous,” because there is a discussion of the problem, not the character of the person.
4. It is worth considering that while cleanliness is important to one person, it may not be particularly important to another.
5. Under no circumstances should you be intimidated by leaving your apartment for a short time because a trifle can cause a divorce.
It is impossible to live life without quarrels. We argue with friends, parents and partners. There is nothing wrong with conflict, because it often leads to solutions to problems and clears the atmosphere: “After a storm, the sun always comes.” It is important, however, to be able to argue constructively, that is, to have an open, honest discussion, without shouting or violence.
But how can we argue calmly when negative emotions are “tearing us from within”?
A quarrel at the beginning gives rise to anger and disagreement with the current situation. You shouldn’t suppress bad emotions, because they will eventually find a way out and burst out with a vengeance at the least opportune moment.
Suppressed anger is a destructive force that carries a large energy charge. This energy can, however, be directed towards creative and useful actions, for example, when you feel that anger is taking over you, go for a run in the park, clean the house, shake out the carpets, go to the pool. Do something that won't let anger ruin your relationship.
At the beginning of a relationship, it is impossible to predict everything, so men and women face different difficulties. It seems that everything is wonderful, but after a few days misunderstandings, disputes, and then scandals begin. This happens due to the fact that all people are different, and in a relationship with another person you have to take into account his desires and principles.
But not everyone is used to making peace, giving in and understanding, so quarrels occur already at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes this ends in reconciliation and recognition of mistakes by each partner, but it also happens that couples break up. In this case, much depends on the woman herself, who can approach the situation as competently and wisely as possible. It is much easier to end a relationship than to come up with a strategy for communicating with your loved one and seeking mutual understanding with him. If you want to solve the problem rather than run away from it, then check out the recommendations below.
Why do quarrels happen at the beginning of a relationship?
Many people wonder why quarrels occur at the very beginning of a relationship and how long they will last. In fact, this is quite normal, because two completely different people want to start a life together. Do not forget that men and women are very different both in appearance and in thinking, so you should not hope that your loved one will perfectly understand you in everything.
Firstly, pay attention to the fact that at the beginning of a relationship there is a grinding of characters, so in this case quarrels are inevitable. Some people have very little conflict, while others cannot understand the partner, which results in quarrels. For example, you like to take a hot bath, and your boyfriend likes a refreshing, cool shower.
In this case, the question arises regarding the purchase of plumbing fixtures, so sometimes you need to look for the most acceptable options for two. For many, quarrels occur exclusively at the initial stage of a relationship, because then people get used to each other and soberly evaluate the pros and cons. If this person is perfect for you, then after a short amount of time you will find mutual language and stop quarreling over trifles. If nothing changes between you, think about whether the person next to you is the right one.
Perhaps end the relationship because of a quarrel?
It often happens that there is simply no strength left to endure a loved one and separation seems to be the only logical option. This is a completely logical solution to the problem, but have you ever thought about the likelihood that things won’t be exactly the same with another man? Psychologists say that in order for the relationship between a man and a woman to be of high quality and normal, it is necessary to wait out the initial stage. But many people lack patience, which leads to separation.
Try not to pay attention to quarrels and scandals for a certain time, wait until the relationship between you normalizes. Do not forget that you can end the relationship at any time convenient for you. If you want to date or live with your ex-lover again, it is unlikely that you will have everything as before. Try to get through this difficult stage for both of you, because if you want to be together, you will have to learn to deal with difficulties. In this case, you should not listen to your mother or friends, because they do not know all the features of the relationship between you, and with their advice they will only confuse you.
How to deal with quarrels in a new relationship?
If you don’t know how to stop endless quarrels and scandals, try to find the most alternative methods. For example, stop proving anything to your partner. This could be a dispute about who is cooking dinner today, or maybe you want your loved one to stop showing his softness in certain life situations. Therefore, first of all, you will need to work on yourself.
As soon as you develop a reluctance to argue, you will notice that the man has also stopped proving that he is right. Don't allow yourself to raise your voice, because it puts a huge wall between you. Discuss any misunderstanding in a quiet, calm voice, trying to find a compromise.
Learn to respect other people's space. Even before the start of the relationship, each of you had freedom, personal interests and hobbies that made you happy. After people create couples, there is a desire to control the partner and independently choose joint leisure. This should not be done, because this way you will disrupt the sense of inner comfort in your loved one and provoke a new quarrel.
Try to understand that a happy relationship is the ability to love, understand and appreciate your partner and his interests, regardless of your mood or principles. When you want to do something, focus on how you would like your loved one to treat you.
Every family has problems and conflict situations often occur. This is due to the fact that all people are different and sometimes thoughts about this or that do not coincide. This is how conflict arises. If this is familiar to a married couple, they should not be discouraged that the family is breaking up. Conflicts are a normal phenomenon, and it is worth worrying if there are none, because this means that people accumulate all the negative energy and keep it inside themselves. In this case, sooner or later the emotions will come out and everything will end rather badly.
There are many positive aspects to family conflicts. Firstly, quarrels teach spouses to be patient with each other, to listen to the opinions of their other half, so after a surge of emotions, the spouses become calmer.
Secondly, family quarrels further strengthen the relationship between spouses. If a husband and wife often quarrel, then this is a sign that their feelings have not yet cooled down, they still love each other and are not indifferent to the problems of their other half. A quarrel teaches you to analyze your behavior, your character and improve as individuals.
Also, family conflict helps to solve the problem that caused the quarrel. If the problem is not discussed, it will not go away. Therefore, the dialogue, even in a raised voice, is better.
But there are also a number of negative sides to the quarrel. Very often family quarrels are advertised. This is a huge mistake, because the family is a separate planet where there is no place for strangers. Family conflicts should occur within the family, and no one has the right to poke their nose into it.
Sometimes it happens that children are witnesses to marital scandals. This cannot be allowed to happen. Firstly, the child forms a bad opinion about his parents, and secondly, this is a very negative psychological factor.
Often, in a quarrel, a wife or husband can insult their other half. This is another negative side of family conflicts. It can be very difficult to control yourself at such moments, but it is simply necessary to do this, because insults spoken in the hearts can be very painful and etched in the memory.
In a quarrel, you should not compare your significant other with someone you know. This is a big mistake that forms certain complexes in a person, and can also become the cause of more than one conflict.
Be that as it may, you should always think about your soulmate, respect and love her, then the family will be strong and no quarrels will destroy it.
and. quarrel, disagreement, discord, squabble, (squabble), spat, enmity, goats, discord, discord, hostility, strife, nonsense; opposite sex peace, harmony, friendship, harmony. Quarrels and strife, quarrels and intrigues. Wherever he comes, he will start a quarrel. He is at odds with everyone. We are in a quarrel with him, we do not bow. Every quarrel is washed down with peace. Quarrel does not lead to good things. A quarrel in your family before the first glance. Children fight over toys, mothers fight over them. | See also litter and rubbish. Quarrelsome, related to quarrel. Quarrelsome, grumpy, scolding, contentious. -ness, this property. To quarrel someone with someone, to create discord, to be the cause of someone’s quarrel, disagreement, quarrel. - with whom to take into account, to scold, to quarrel, to quarrel, to discord, to be at enmity. God forbid you quarrel, and God forbid you make peace! They quarreled over trifles. The whole family quarreled. We quarreled all evening. They quarreled and went their separate ways. Quarrel Wed. valid according to the verb., quarrel. A quarrelsome person who quarrels with others or generally excites them, incites quarrels. And he, Vasily, sends to the prison, led thieves and ushniki and quarrels, Acts.
There are many ways to avoid constant quarrels in relationships, but do we always use such advice? Constant arguments in a relationship are not normal. If you see that the quarrels do not stop, then you should take a look at the suggested ways to stop this eternal fight and start enjoying each other's company again. Remember that most quarrels arise when there is misunderstanding.
1. Don't bring up the past
This is a huge step, and you just need to learn it. I would say that this is the key point if you want to stop the constant quarrels. Stop bringing up the past! The past is the past, and the more you remember, the more quarrels will arise. Remembering often brings up a lot of old emotions, and this will never be good for our current relationships.
2. Don't leave issues unresolved
I know that this is difficult, and you have probably heard about it more than once, but until the problem is solved and you feel resentment or anger, you should not go to bed with these emotions. This can make both of you even more offended, and the quarrel will drag on for a long time. Why not solve the problem before you go to bed, or at least talk about it so that you both feel better?
3. Learn to accept each other
Everyone in this world has their own shortcomings that you will have to face and some of them you will have to put up with. You need to accept each other as you are. Your boyfriend never comes home with a bouquet of flowers and your girlfriend constantly whines, but this is something you need to learn to accept.
4. Find out the root of the problem
Every quarrel has its beginning and its root. If you find out what is the reason for this quarrel, then you can solve this problem and get rid of unnecessary quarrels. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it!
5. Control yourself
One of my biggest problems is that when I start arguing, I lose control of myself and cannot stop. It is difficult to admit that you are wrong or to take the blame. However, do it at least once. After all, this is the right decision that will make your partner appreciate you even more.
6. Ban on “But”
“But if you did this”, “but if you did that”, enough of this “but”, eliminate it from your vocabulary and forget that it exists. I used to use this “but” very often, and as soon as I got rid of it, all the quarrels stopped lasting so long. So curb your tongue!
7. Is this a repetitive “performance”?
Does this same question constantly come up, and every time a quarrel ensues? The same thing over and over again? Didn't you think this was a sign? If your quarrel revolves around one specific issue, why not sit down and calmly discuss everything and stop the constant quarrels about the same issue forever?
8. Remember this is important
Finally, never forget that your relationships are very important and should be cherished. After all, you are together for a reason. It's hard to remember this when you're fighting, but it's so important!
Constant quarrels with my boyfriend. Instructions
1. Stopping quarreling with your loved one is much easier than it might seem. To begin with, take “preventive measures.” To stop quarreling with your guy, learn to have a constructive dialogue. Learn to listen and hear your loved one, and also explain your position without getting personal, without giving free rein to your emotions. Teach your boyfriend the same.
2. To stop arguing with your guy, be willing to compromise. It is impossible to have the same point of view on all issues, and the interests of lovers will not always coincide. Therefore, searching for a third option that will suit both lovers can be a good way out of any conflict situation.
3. It will be easier to stop quarreling with your loved one by learning to discuss problems and compromise. But sometimes emotions literally overwhelm you, preventing you from thinking well about your behavior strategy. If you're ready to lash out at your boyfriend, try to get your emotions under control. Try the deep, slow breathing technique and count to ten. During this time, emotions will subside a little, and you will be able to understand that a calm discussion will give you much more than shouting and mutual reproaches.
4. You can stop quarreling with a guy if you sometimes let him cool down. If you have learned to control your emotions, then your boyfriend may not have such a skill. If this is the case, and your loved one starts up “half a turn”, let him cool his ardor. Sometimes it is useful to move the conversation to another topic. By putting aside your emotions, you will be able to solve your problems much more effectively.
5. To stop quarreling with your loved one, learn to switch gears and joke. Psychologists have proven that humor and aggression are incompatible. Once you start laughing, you will no longer be able to quarrel with each other. Once you have calmed down, you can move on to discussing the situation. Sometimes, instead of humor, you can use tenderness and affection. Not a single guy can resist such a weapon in a woman’s hands.
note
After some time of “correct” behavior, lovers get used to this order of things. If such communication is difficult at first, then over time you will become better at using these skills in resolving your conflicts.
Helpful advice
If a quarrel does occur, apologize to each other. And after some time, try to resolve the problem in a calm environment.