About selfishness, self-love and neurotic need. Egoists are people who hate themselves Loving themselves is selfishness or beneficence
Recently, the topic of self-love has become more and more popular. They talk about self-love, write articles, conduct trainings.
And at the same time, many people have doubts: how good is it in relation to loved ones to love yourself? And where is the line between self-love and selfishness?
In this article, I suggest you look into the midtones and try to understand the nuances of these two states.
Differences
- So the first difference is: lself-love does not exclude love for other people - on the contrary, it is a necessary condition.'Cause when you don't love yourself, you just can not love another person, even if you convince yourself otherwise - because you yourself feel unloved . The basis of egoism is the word "ego", and this state is associated with the belief in one's own superiority over other people - "I'm better than them" which is often compensation for a lack of self-love.
- Second difference: when a person loves himself, heawareits value and dignity. This means that he can set his own borders. They are very difficult to manipulate and almost impossible to "use". And while maintaining his own boundaries, he respects others. In contrast to the egoist, who often infringes on the dignity of other people and seeks to use them in his own interests.
- Third difference: for a person who loves himself, it is natural that other people also love themselves. Whereas the egoist often worries about how other people treat him - especially if he tries to demonstrate the opposite by behavior.
- The fourth difference: a person who loves himself, invests in himself - his development, his comfort, his realization, his ideas and projects. By investing time, energy, resources in his development, a person becomes more successful himself - and is able to create opportunities for others. The egoist usually prefers to spend resources on the realization of momentary desires and entourage.
- Fifth difference: next to a person who loves himself, others are always good and joyful! What can not be said about the egoist, who, as a rule, causes negative emotions in others.
“An egoist is a bad person”, such is the stereotype of our perception of this word. But isn't self-love a natural thing for all of us? After all, even the Bible says - love your neighbor as yourself. It turns out that loving yourself is not only possible, but necessary. Why, then, egoism turned out to be a condemned quality of the human soul?
Almost from infancy, modern man learns that selfishness is bad. And at first this thesis is not objectionable. The child obediently gives his toys to other children, although he really does not want to do this. Just as obediently, he shares sweets, which he would have eaten with much greater pleasure. As he grows up, reproaches of selfishness become an effective tool, capturing more and more extensive areas of his personal living space. Refused to go grocery shopping with grandma - selfish; if you don’t want to clean up the leaves in the school park together with the whole class - the individual farmer; hinted that you would not go with your parents to the country - "you always think only about yourself, you don't care about the rest." All this, it seems, is designed to educate in the growing person the most best qualities- altruism, compassion, love for others. And he conscientiously tries to justify the efforts of his educators - he helps, participates, goes where necessary, does what is required. This continues until one day he asks himself a simple question: but, in fact, why on earth? When did he manage to owe everyone so much that now you need to think about others more than about yourself?
From that moment on, his attitude to the concept of "egoism" suddenly miraculously changes exactly to the opposite: having intercepted this weapon from the hands of his educators, a person begins to use it himself. Egoism becomes for him the main explanatory principle of all his actions, and his life credo sounds something like this: "In this life I will only do what is pleasant, useful, profitable for me." And he meets any objections only with a condescending smile, looking impatiently at the fresh issue of the Egoist Generation magazine, which has not yet been read.
But what a strange thing: it seems that a huge number of people today profess this, or a similar worldview, but they do not become happy from this. Although egoism presupposes that the goal of a person is happiness, personal well-being, satisfaction with life.
But today, people's public statements about their selfishness resemble either the bravado of the desperate, or some kind of auto-training, where people try to convince themselves of the correctness of the chosen path. “Do not do good to people - you will not get evil”, “You need to live for yourself”, “Take everything from life!” - Well, it doesn’t look like all this is a story about a positive experience.
Behind such declarations of "life for oneself" one can see an ardent desire to acquire something very important, necessary, without which life loses meaning and joy. Simply put, selfishness is an attempt to learn to love yourself.
But don't we love ourselves anyway, without any special tricks? In order to understand this, we must first determine what our "I" is, which egoism presupposes as the highest value. Anton Pavlovich Chekhov believed that everything in a person should be beautiful - both the face, and thoughts, and the soul, and clothes. Simplifying this classic formula, we can say that a person as a person has two components: the appearance and the inner content of his soul. This means that a real, full-fledged egoist is only one who loves his appearance and his soul. So let's now try to consider how we relate to these two main aspects of our personal existence.
MY LIGHT, MIRROR, SAY...
Each of us has a very difficult relationship with our own reflection in the mirror. It is not difficult to verify this by remembering how we behave in front of him in moments when no one sees us. Women begin to correct their hair and make-up, “rehearse” various facial expressions, turn from one side to the other, figuring out from what angle the dignity of their figure is best seen. Men do pretty much the same, except for makeup, of course. But they also have their own, specifically masculine things to do here. A rare representative of the stronger sex, being in front of a mirror without witnesses, will resist the temptation to draw in his stomach, stick out his chest, straighten his shoulders. Well, and to strain the biceps, considering their reflection this way and that, it happened, probably, to everyone. There seems to be nothing shameful in such activities. However, for some reason we are embarrassed to do all this in front of a mirror in front of other people.
The fact is that we have a very poor idea of what we really look like. The image of our own body that has formed in our minds, as a rule, very poorly corresponds to our real appearance.
And each time, being in front of a mirror, we are forced to state this bleak fact. By pulling in our belly in front of the mirror, we are just trying to bring ourselves closer to an imaginary ideal, at least a little “edit” the ruthless truth, dejectedly looking at us from the side of the mirror glass. And when someone catches us doing such activities, we are embarrassed precisely because this dissatisfaction with ourselves and our search for an “improved version” of our own figure or physiognomy suddenly became known to an outsider.
Taken together, all this points to several important facts that our consciousness usually does not perceive: it turns out that we do not like our own appearance, and diligently hide it from others. We chose the mirror as the only witness of such a gap between the ideal and reality in our appearance. And we expect from him, if not a magical transformation into a superhero or a fabulous beauty, then at least some consolation. We want to fix in our minds that reflection option that will more or less correspond to our ideal ideas about ourselves. Moreover, this expectation does not depend on how a person actually looks. Even recognized beauties are forced to regularly turn to the mirror for confirmation of their own beauty.
Such a “therapeutic” function of a mirror is described many times in various works and is familiar to us from childhood according to Pushkin’s famous fairy tale, where the beautiful queen daily torments the talking mirror with the same question:
“My light, mirror! tell
Yes, tell the whole truth:
Am I the sweetest in the world,
All blush and whiter?
But childhood is over. And now it is no longer a fairy-tale queen, but we ourselves every day stick to a completely ordinary mirror with approximately the same request: "Tell us that we are better than we are."
OUR "INTERNAL TWIN"
So, most of us do not like our appearance, preferring to identify ourselves with a kind of phantom created by our own imagination. Therefore, to call yourself an egoist in this respect would be a significant stretch. But, perhaps, at least with the soul, with our thoughts, with our feelings, things are different? Again, we were taught from childhood that the inner world of a person is more important than his appearance, that they are met by clothes, and escorted by mind; that you don't drink water from your face. We were regularly reminded of all this by parents, teachers, good movies and smart books. Therefore, by a mature age, a person somehow learned to compensate for dislike for his appearance by believing in the exceptional value of his spiritual content.
But how justified is this belief? It is much more difficult to understand this, since humanity has not managed to invent a mirror for the soul. However, the idea that our true spiritual life, to put it mildly, does not quite correspond to our ideas about it, has repeatedly sounded in various areas of human culture. So, for example, in psychology it is generally accepted that all fairly strong negative impressions (including those from one’s own bad deeds, thoughts, desires) are slowly forced out into the subconscious of a person, so that after that he may not remember them at all.
Christian ascetics, who have explored the depths of their souls all their lives, assert approximately the same thing: if we suddenly saw the whole abyss of our sinfulness, we would immediately go crazy with horror. Therefore, the merciful God does not allow a person to see his sinful defeat in all its fullness. He gradually reveals it only to those who are trying to fulfill in their lives the commandments of the Gospel, step by step correcting in a person these terrible distortions of his spiritual nature.
Unfortunately, most people in this matter tend to distrust both psychologists and priests. And this is understandable: it is very difficult to believe that you are bad and that somewhere in your inner depths there are evidence of this badness of yours.
Moreover, they are so terrible and undeniable that your own psyche refuses to let them into your own consciousness. But the experience of both religious and psychological practice shows that it is true that a person does not know his soul much more than his body. And just as in the case of the body, without even realizing, but feeling this hidden abnormality in itself, our mind creates another false image - now of our own soul. In this phantom, everything is generally fine: he is kind, honest, reasonable, courageous, generous, purposeful - one can list his virtues for a very long time. And only one flaw spoils this wonderful picture: in fact, all these spiritual qualities do not belong to us, but to a double created by our imagination. In order to “break through” through this ghostly image to the real self, a person needs a very serious effort, which not everyone dares to do.
THE UNWRITTEN BOOK
Edgar Allan Poe once gave the recipe for a literary work of genius. Its meaning boiled down to the following: you need to write a small book; its title should be simple - three clear words: "My naked heart." But this little book must be true to its title.
It would seem - what is easier? Take it and do as the master said. And you will have happiness, honor and world recognition in your literary life.
But for some reason, since the discovery of this simple secret of literary success, not a single writer (including the discoverer of the method himself) has ever taken advantage of it. The book “My Naked Heart” did not appear in world culture, no one took up writing it. Edgar Allan Poe must have understood perfectly well that "mission impossible." Like any serious writer, he looked into the depths of his heart. And what he saw there may have given rise to this bitterly ironic recipe.
However, another great writer, Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, said much more clearly about all this:
“If only it could be (which, by the way, by human nature can never be), if it were possible that each of us would describe all his ins and outs, but in such a way that he would not be afraid to state not only what he is afraid to say and he will never tell people, not only what he is afraid to say to his best friends, but even what he is sometimes afraid to admit to himself - then such a stench would arise in the world that we would all have to suffocate ".
That is why the little book “My Naked Heart” has not yet been written, because to describe this stench on paper would be the height of absurdity and cynicism. The one who saw his soul as it is, has no time for books, no time for glory and success. But this is the fate of only those few who, like Hamlet, "... turned their eyes with pupils into the soul, and there are spots of blackness everywhere." Most of us are so afraid to see our soul that we prefer not to look there at all. For us, this is an unaffordable luxury. We are content only with the consolation for the mind and heart of our magnificent fictitious "I", which we ourselves have come up with.
As a result, a rather strange picture emerges:
egoism today is claimed by people who do not like their appearance and are afraid of their inner world. And when such a person claims that he will live only for himself, one should not be particularly surprised that this philosophy does not bring him happiness.
How can one live for himself who does not know himself, does not love and is even afraid? Hidden behind the outward audacity of such statements is a desperate attempt to break through to oneself, to see oneself, to learn to love oneself. Unfortunately, all the energy of such attempts turns out to be directed past the goal, and instead of satisfaction and joy, it brings only disappointment and emptiness, which a person will try to fill again and again. But in a leaky jug, water does not hold, alas.
Narcissus and Carlson
In psychology, there is a definition for selfishness - narcissistic personality disorder. This name comes from the name of the hero of the ancient Greek myth Narcissus, who once leaned over a forest stream to get drunk - and got into a very unpleasant situation: he fell in love with a beautiful young man who looked at him from the water surface. “Narcissus leans down to kiss his reflection, but kisses only the icy, clear water of the stream. Narcissus forgot everything; he does not leave the stream; without looking up, admiring himself. He doesn't eat, doesn't drink, doesn't sleep. Everything ends there very sadly - Narcissus dies of hunger, and on the site of his inglorious death, a well-known flower grows, later named after him.
People with narcissistic disorder fall into a similar trap. Of course, they do not "stick" tightly in front of the mirror in the hallway or bathroom. Instead of mirrors, they use the people they interact with. By and large, any person is interesting to them only in one quality - whether he can see the full depth and complexity of their outstanding personality, appreciate the versatility of their talent and admire his brilliance. These can be really very talented people, or only those who consider themselves as such. The essence of the problem does not change from this: both of them always need a “mirror” - admiring admirers who would praise their real or imaginary merits. Some variants of this behavior are familiar to each of us since childhood from our favorite cartoons. Such, for example, is the flying naughty Carlson, who, having invited the Kid to his rooftop house, addresses himself with a pathos tirade: “Welcome, dear friend Carlson!” And already at the door, he casually throws over his shoulder to the confused Kid: "Well ... you come in too." The funny little man, all the time declaring that he is a man anywhere, and constantly proving that he is “the best in the world,” is, of course, a caricature of a narcissist. But also
In real life, you can see a great many of these "Carlsons". Their main feature is ambition and confidence in their own exclusivity. They are not capable of close relationships, because they initially consider themselves superior to those around them. At the same time, they really need to communicate, but they need a person next to them only to “highlight” their own merits.
The successes and dignity of other people are perceived by narcissists very jealously, and immediately try to belittle them. However, instead of lengthy descriptions, it is enough just to get acquainted with the list of signs of narcissistic personality disorder. A person with a similar disorder:
1) reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame or humiliation (even if it does not show it);
2) in interpersonal relationships tries different ways use other people in their own interests, manipulates them;
3) considers himself extremely important, expects to become famous and "special", without doing anything for this;
4) believes that his problems are unique and can only be understood by the same special people;
5) dreams of great success in the chosen activity, of strength, beauty or ideal love;
6) feels that he has some special rights, expects for no reason that he will be treated differently from other people;
7) needs constant enthusiastic assessment from the outside;
8) unable to sympathize with others;
9) is often envious and sure that he is also envied.
Here, in fact, is a description of a complete egoist, to which it is difficult to add anything. If a person has at least five signs from this list, it can be assumed that he is not all right with narcissism. And this disorder arises, like all the others, even in childhood, when parents seek from the child that he be exactly the way they want to see him, rejecting his inherent personality traits, not paying attention to his opinions and desires. A child is praised and loved only for his successes and scolded for his mistakes and failures (including the notorious selfishness). Gradually, he begins to believe that only those who have achieved, achieved, become, and overcome are worthy of love. As he grows older, the so-called “narcissistic bubble” forms in his personality - his image, overflowing with all sorts of virtues, without which, as it seems to him, people will never accept him. And it is so difficult to see behind this brilliant, inflated, narcissistic bubble a small and unfortunate child hiding in it, looking for love.
HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF
In Christianity, the question of selfishness is clearly posed in the words of the commandment "Love your neighbor as yourself." A certain sequence is assumed here: first, a person learns to love himself, and only then, following this model, his neighbor. But what does it mean to love yourself like a Christian? And how can a modern person do this, who is lost in the mirror labyrinths of his own twins, bubbles and phantoms and no longer understands when he really loves himself, and when he inflates another “bubble”?
The Church has a very specific answer to this. Its meaning is that the commandments of the Gospel are nothing more than a description of the norm of our humanity. And the gospel image of Christ is the standard of this norm, the measure of all our thoughts, words, and deeds. And when we deviate from this image in our behavior, we act contrary to our own nature, we torture it, we cause suffering to ourselves. Therefore, self-love is, first of all, the observance of the commandments that make us like Christ. Here is how St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov) writes about this:
“... If you don’t get angry and don’t remember malice, you love yourself. If you do not swear and do not lie, you love yourself. If you do not offend, you do not kidnap, you do not take revenge; if you are long-suffering towards your neighbor, meek and gentle, you love yourself. If you bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, pray for those who hurt you and raise persecution against you, then you love yourself; you are the son of the Heavenly Father, who shines with his sun on the evil and the good, who sends his rains to both the righteous and the unrighteous. If you bring careful and warm prayers to God from a contrite and humble heart, then you love yourself. ... If you are so merciful that you sympathize with all the infirmities and shortcomings of your neighbor and deny the condemnation and humiliation of your neighbor, then you love yourself.
This brief description of correct Christian self-love can be brought to mind whenever, in a conversation about selfishness, an argument to the gospel phrase “love your neighbor as yourself” suddenly sounds. So that every apologist for reasonable selfishness can compare his ideas about its meaning with what the Bible actually says.
THE UNSELFIC JOY OF GOOD
The main problem of egoism is not at all that it promotes selfishness. It is natural for a person to love himself, this is our normal attitude towards the gift of God received - to our soul, body, to our abilities and talents. But, postulating self-love as the highest value, egoism does not give a correct understanding of human nature, and consequently - and the answer to the most important question: what is actually good for us. But in Christianity this problem is explained in sufficient detail. The fact is that it is simply impossible for a person to love himself correctly without loving other people as well. Like Adam and Eve, we are all united by our common human nature, we are all blood brothers and sisters to each other in the most direct sense. And any of the people in a natural way should evoke in us the joyful exclamation of the first created man, with which he once greeted the second man on Earth: ... Behold, bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh (Genesis 2:23).
But even more important for the Christian understanding of self-love is the fact of the Incarnation, in which the Creator of the world united Himself in Christ with this common human nature of ours. And now, for two thousand years now, any Christian, according to the words of St. Nicholas of Serbia, is called to see “... in every creature there is a duality: God and himself. Because of the first, he reveres every creature to the point of adoration, and because of the second, he sympathizes with every creature to the point of self-sacrifice.” This is the fullness of being behind all the well-known words about love for one's neighbor as for oneself. By showing love for someone, we enter ourselves into this fullness, which means we do good for ourselves. That is, we love ourselves exactly as God expects us to. True, such an understanding of Christian self-love often evokes the standard complaint: “So, do Christians do good for themselves? Why, this is the real selfishness!” But those who are indignant in this way only show that they do not properly understand either selfishness or Christian love, or the difference between them. Selfishness is a manifestation of the human self that cuts people off from each other. In Christianity, a person sees in everyone he meets both his blood brother and the Creator of the Universe. It’s one thing to “pull the blanket over yourself” for your own pleasure, and it’s quite another to rejoice, selflessly helping others, without making a difference between yourself and them. One of the most respected confessors of our Church, Archimandrite John (Krestyankin), spoke about it this way: “A person with a good mind strengthens and comforts, first of all, himself. And this is not egoism at all, as some unfairly claim, no, this is the true expression of disinterested goodness, when it brings the highest spiritual joy to the one who does it. The true good always deeply and purely consoles the one who unites his soul with it. It is impossible not to rejoice, leaving the gloomy dungeon in the sun, to pure greenery and the fragrance of flowers. You can’t shout to such a person: “You are an egoist, you enjoy your goodness!” This is the only unselfish joy—the joy of goodness, the joy of the Kingdom of God.”
We traditionally attribute egoism to the worst human qualities, opposing it with altruism - selfless love for one's neighbors. Is it really that bad to love yourself? Is it worth taking off your last shirt for the sake of another person and living all the time with the knowledge that you owe something to someone? Psychologist Marina Vozchikova discusses this.
“In fact, selfishness is a quality that is inherent in us by nature. It is inseparable from the instinct of self-preservation, - says the psychologist. - We are all born selfish, convinced that the whole world revolves around us, and only under the influence of others over time we begin to think about other people. Imagine what it would be like primitive man if he didn't love himself? He would give himself to be torn to pieces by wild beasts or die of hunger, each time giving up his portion of food to his fellow tribesmen. This means that egoism - the desire to do well for oneself - is still an extremely useful quality! What forms it takes is another matter.
We condemn a person when he says: “I love myself”, “I am alone at home”, “I don’t feel sorry for anything for myself”. And what's wrong with the fact that we cherish ourselves and cherish? Another thing is when by our actions we cause obvious damage to others.
Situation 1. Alice was the only daughter in a wealthy family. Parents did not skimp on toys, sweets, beautiful clothes, later they attached their daughter to a paid department in prestigious university. The girl is used to getting everything for nothing, and she never thought about what was expected of her too. The problems started when she got married. The husband came home from work tired, and Alice never cooked dinner, but she constantly demanded new outfits and jewelry. When her husband left her, she was very surprised: how, after all, she gave him the most precious thing - herself!
“Any relationship requires moral, and sometimes physical effort,” comments Marina Vozchikova. - If you are not going to invest anything in them, do not take into account the wishes of your partner, then most likely you will fail sooner or later. And what if you follow the path of altruism and “distribute” yourself? And there can be extremes here!
Situation 2. Nellie has always been taught that being selfish is bad. Mom taught her not to be greedy and to share with other children. As a result, other children took away her toys, and she had nothing to play with.
As an adult, Nellie gained a reputation for being a trouble-free person. Fellow students and colleagues constantly turned to her for various favors, and she never said no, even if it was inconvenient for her. Nelya married a visitor, who first of all demanded that she register him in her apartment, and then quit his job and began to live at her expense, and even cheat on her.
“If you constantly sacrifice yourself, this is unlikely to make you happy,” says Marina Vozchikova. - People will cruelly exploit you instead of loving and respecting you. As a rule, they love those who love themselves!
However, terry egoists, as can be seen from the above, do not win.
Let's draw a line between selfishness in its usual sense and self-love.
So, signs of selfishness
They say about a person: “You can’t beg him for snow in winter.” It is useless to ask him for something, he never does anything without benefit for himself.
He constantly talks about himself, other people do not interest him.
He judges the situation based only on his own interests, without thinking about the interests of other people.
If he is uncomfortable, he loudly expresses his displeasure.
He likes to talk about what others should do for him, but that he owes something to someone is out of the question.
Signs of self love:
A person retains self-esteem, does not allow himself to be humiliated or ignored by his interests.
He tries to make his life comfortable, does not spare money for the purchase of some things, food, clothes, travel, if this allows him to feel happy.
He tries to look good, takes care of his health.
“A good attitude towards oneself in no way means that a person does not give a damn about others,” says psychologist Marina Vozchikova. - On the contrary, seeing that we love ourselves, value our appearance, health, try to give ourselves as much joy as possible, people around us begin to reach out. A person who loves himself is often able to bestow his warmth on others. Love yourself and give to others what you can - and your life will come into a state of harmony.