The husband provokes a scandal and a fight. How women unknowingly provoke quarrels

I have been living with my wife for a year and a half. More than a year lived in a civil marriage and three months as we are in an official marriage. Recently, quarrels have become more frequent, during which the wife provokes a fight (scratches, hits with her hands, tries to kick and grab her hair. When a scandal arises, the wife behaves inappropriately, trying to get a physical rebuff. I do not deny that sometimes quarrels arise due to my fault. But when it escalates into a scandal, it turns into a neurotic attack with hysterical cries that frankly frighten me. I have never beaten women before, I myself think that this is not right. The first time I pushed her, she presented it in such a way that I I smeared it on the wall. Yesterday, my friend and I decided to get drunk and go for a walk without my wife. My wife made a complete dressing with the removal of the brain. During the quarrel, she, in a fit of rage, kicked me in the stomach and clung to my blood, scratched all my arms and neck, while uttering a heart-rending cry that the neighbors began to knock on the door. I could not stand it, grabbed her by the hair and hit her head several times on the wooden headboard. I condemn my intemperance now. But this is not masculine I never thought that I could do such a thing. But my wife's inappropriate behavior scares me. This is the only way to stop her verbal diarrhea and hysteria. Having provoked a fight, she accuses me of assault. Who faced with a similar case, tell me pzhl how to be, how to live ?? ? Really, it's very scary!

It can be said for sure that the wife specifically provokes you to assault ... The role of the victim for her is like a recharge. A good way to ignore, or in a quarrel, to say that the conversation will be over when she calms down ... It can be difficult to restrain yourself, especially when the "filter" of words is non-stop, but it is only in your power to stop it.

1. Have you tried not to provoke a scandal? After all, something good... united you once.

2. Each action is based on the achievement of some goal. What do you think is your wife's goal?
Getting a divorce with the division of your property? Do you have something to lose?
Painfully all ostentatious. By the way, you can threaten her with a medical examination (of your injuries) and going to court to order a compulsory psychiatric examination and treatment. Maybe she will quiet down and turn on ... what does she have instead of a brain.

3.Start your search for a family law attorney. He will be able to clearly outline your losses in the event of a divorce.

4. Have you ever been interested in the life of her parents? Maybe she considers such behavior to be the norm ... hmm ... family happiness?

5. Well, and what should have been done even before the registration of official relations .... In the period of rest, just talk. Ask her a specific question about how she sees your life together. Listen. Voice your ideas. If you both want and expect completely different things from each other, then guys.... what are you doing next to each other? Dreamed about it, so to speak?

apparently you are both good and worth each other. one decided to get pissed off and don't touch him, he's not to blame. It's always easier to blame others than yourself. Judging by the writing, you are a literate person, but also, like many, suffer from foolishness. It’s not the first day you live together and you yourself know perfectly well what is possible and what is not. You have to be more prudent.

If Love has not died out, it copes with trials, it happens that it even ignites, like a flame from that very spark. Love leaves - irritation comes, but it is not able to fight with problems, but can only accumulate them and chill out the “weather in the house”.

I will give a list of “misfortunes” due to which “earthquakes” and “volcanic eruptions” occur in relationships:

Incorrect distribution of roles in the family.

- Wrong attitude of one of the partners to another.

- Differences in outlook on life.

- Sexual crises, disappointments in a partner.

- Intervention of the parents of one or both spouses in the affairs of "children".

- Addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, chronic infidelity).

- Diseases (mental, incurable physical, mental). The need for all family members to adapt to a bed patient or a character who drank TV yesterday.

- The struggle for power and supremacy in the family.

- Communication problems in general (distrust, fear, lack of intimacy and frankness).

A couple meets, “grinding” begins, each shows his “presentation video”, tells who he is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Declares his needs and hopes, asks questions, important and not very important.

Have you ever heard a person entering into a romantic relationship say: “Over time, these disgusting traits will develop in me, I will start to get fat, gradually become drunk and beat you fiercely?” No! Nobody ever! The desire to please in the initial period is supported in all situations. This is the period - the triumph of the peacock!

At the beginning of a relationship, unwanted manifestations in the behavior of a loved one cause a slight chill of discontent, and rolling down the mountain of time, a cold lump turns into a rumbling avalanche. The first disappointment befalls us when we begin to understand that Heaven gave love as a gift, and it gives love on credit. And in order to develop it further to the relationship of spouses and parents, you need to endlessly invest money, time, health, money, heart, soul, feelings, attention and affection ...

There she is, FIRST REASON quarrels between lovers: skimping on all of the above, as a rule, the one who loves more in "Spring".

"In the summer" he also becomes the "author" of claims and reproaches in the midst of relationships, at the peak of passions. In the difficult “Autumn Times of Love”, the initiative passes to the one who is more difficult in a relationship, and reproaches and discontent begin to pour in from his side. He feels that in "Winter" he is destined to be left alone, and thus begins to protest.

After a divorce, during the period of “Winter Chills”, an insult settles in the soul of an abandoned person that even that little warmth and attention was taken from him, which, perhaps, was underestimated at a time when it was still possible to fix something.

Again, “What we have, we don’t store” ... And here the best solution is to decisively remove marketing from relationships, stop the flow of “mutual pains, troubles and insults” and remember the saying of the sages: “There is no better friend than a wife”, and give everything and a little more, until the moment when in the direction of this person “breathes”. Love will not turn into hate if we are able to wake up and see that it is time to immediately stop the "fountain" of reproaches and accusations.

Insults and scandals are dead ground for self-affirmation! In the desire to “drown” another, a person does not see how he himself is drowning! This is a war without a winner. Someone will say that troubles and troubles in the family come from the wrong choice of partner. But there are no completely wrong choices, because some qualities in a partner suit us, but not all of them annoy us.

THE SECOND REASON quarrels: a question of leadership in a couple. If the lovers are happy, then they give in to each other, they have nothing to share and nothing to “puff out their cheeks” for. Everyone is "main" in something of his own, irreplaceable and unique.

Closer to the middle phase of marriage, a reassessment of each other suddenly begins, misunderstanding comes, dissatisfaction with the partner, the ability to “hear” each other, the inability to agree disappears. There is already a full-fledged crisis in family relationships. And now one exposes his opinion as a flag, and the other condescendingly, as "more wise", agrees to concessions, "just to be quiet." Compromise is no longer the goal, consensus in opinions is still possible, but more often, as I said, one of the two makes concessions consciously, driving the problem into a chronic state ...

Demands, claims and reproaches, ultimatum statements, sobs and cries are the main manifestations of the "Autumn of Love". And then our grown plant, instead of a juicy and tasty fruit, gives a seed of discord. He and she begin to find out: who slept more, who was more tired, who has the main responsibilities, who achieved more in life. As long as one does not suppress the other with his supremacy, there will be no satisfaction from victory over a partner. It becomes more difficult for someone who feels a greater need for love, for whom it is more important to maintain relationships. That is why he often gives in.

The ancients said: "A truly loving person does not strive for power, a flawed and prudent one strives for it." As long as there is tenderness and feelings, someone alone is in the lead and there are always fewer conflicts. This happens at the beginning of any relationship. In harmoniously developed feelings, a floating or flexible system of relationships usually develops.

Closer to the "colds in Love" there are fewer and fewer concessions, and more and more claims.

THIRD REASON quarrels: no last place in conflicts, the rather prosaic topic of the Family Budget occupies. Everyone understands that money is fertilizer for our sprout. They require a prudent attitude and control. In a family, it is necessary to regulate income and expenses, and how this happens is in many ways an indicator of family relations.

Usually couples choose joint, shared and separate types of budget. But what if you work hard and try to combine all these types by creating three different piles of money in different places?

The first pile of money is a joint wallet, each of the couple takes part in replenishing it, decisions are made together on how to spend money. It is very convenient for people with the same earnings or families where one is dependent (50 years ago, it would never even have occurred to anyone to think that it could be a man, but in our time, alas, it doesn’t sound so shocking anymore, and many habitual norms have ceased to be unshakable!). And yet more often than not, the wife does not work.

The presence of a common purse relieves her of the need to explain every time why such an amount is needed for the household. It also protects her from thinking about the topic: “again I didn’t give out money for the needs of the family, paying for the “communal apartment”, the doctor and the child’s teachers. Is he greedy or inattentive, insensitive or sadistic? So, in a joint wallet, huge amounts are not needed. There may be a sheet of paper and a pencil with which the amount taken by each is recorded. From there, the child can take the money, be sure to report what they were spent on. Such openness saves many parents from frankly and unaccountably "borrowing" from their own wallets.

So we smoothly move on to the second pile of money distributed among “individual pockets”. Does a non-working family member (a woman or a child) need to allocate funds for living? Need. Mobile payments, breakfasts, transportation - all this is considered and issued for a week. This approach allows the dependent to learn how to properly manage funds and not require daily subsidies.

If you don't like something - save or go to work! Only in this case, the “stash” of the saved funds does not turn into a serious fraud, that is, it is personal money, and not hidden to the detriment of the family. When the earner is no longer appreciated, thanked, asked for or praised, the “money toad” comes to him. It seems dishonest to the breadwinner that he gives everything to the family to the penny, trying to be open and honest. And if his contribution to the family budget begins to be taken for granted, he may begin to take offense. And there is also a completely indecent situation, when home bums also manage to reproach - they say, they could bring more!

In order not to bring the situation to such an absurdity or establish rules for spending funds, all these points should be discussed in advance, and not hushed up. Jointly made decisions related to spending and storing funds are an indicator that the finances are not managed by the spouses.

The third pile is the family piggy bank. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bank account or a safe deposit box, a home safe or a plastic bag taped behind a picture - the main thing is that “we are all saving money together!”. It can be the House, and the car, or someone's education, or even a "rainy day" - it doesn't matter. It is important that - "we", that - "together"!

A friendly decision is a good indicator of the solution of the material issue in the family, and blackmail with money is the desire to suppress, solve one's problems and complexes at the expense of a loved one.

THE FOURTH REASON to clarify the relationship - non-observance of moral principles. Couples are often destroyed due to violations of marital fidelity and family ethics. This point is always a cause for scandal and rebellion. Only in "Winter", when there is nothing more to swear about, does everyone involved in the divorce see the meaninglessness of claims and excuses. This also includes emerging hostile feelings - hatred, discontent, irritation, often due to the contradictory nature of human feelings. When you are dissatisfied with a partner, you find reasons for nit-picking in everything. Everything irritates: manners, behavior in everyday life, character traits, personality traits. “You’re not standing like that, you’re not lying here!”

At the beginning of a relationship, usually one of the couple distances themselves, takes time to "dump steam", and with long-term cohabitation, psychological compatibility problems creep out like cockroaches on a white sheet. One behaves negatively, the other also “grows” hostility in himself.

I can advise you to set the control of your own emotions and irritation. It is important to learn to accept the personality traits of a spouse as an objective reality, to understand that much cannot be changed. I recommend that at the very beginning of a relationship, take a closer look at your future marriage partner, and after the wedding close your eyes to a lot.

"No! Never!" - the main slogan of wives and husbands in the "Autumn season of love." The desire to contradict and object is a beacon that tells you that love is leaving. It is important to consciously maintain the desire for unity.

Hot anger, cold anger, restrained anger - everything is bad. Try both to “hold your tongue”, “bite your lip”, take water in your mouth, count to ten or a hundred. I recommend each time to clarify what annoyed, ask what exactly the noisy person wants.

REASON FIVE: two loving people conflict may arise under stress due to differences in needs and attitudes towards life. Achievements in the profession and career growth do not guarantee success in personal life. I will say more: more often it is career growth that separates lovers from each other! So in this regard, one should be very careful and attentive, “do not forget,” as they used to say.

Dealing with joint problems together and remaining polite is very difficult. The most difficult thing is to find something in common in differences, something that connects and unites. Those who do not quarrel do not need to be reconciled. Agree that you will not swear, that there will be no screams and conversations at elevated decibels in your house. If your loved one does what he promised after five reminders, if he forgets about the holidays and your dates, and all the homework lies entirely on your shoulders, and his life goes according to your order, say OUT LOUD that you need help. Let him know that without his opinion and desire it is very difficult for you! Otherwise, you run the risk of soon turning into a “commander in a skirt” or a “boy-woman”. Distribute responsibility in advance, agree "on the shore"!

SIXTH REASON FOR DIFFERENCE: vain expectations. Irritation and resentment comes when a partner does not do what you would like. He will certainly express his claims. Children at a psychological reception often complain that their parents yell at them in irritation and insult them. And in the human psyche, over time, the so-called “subtraction” occurs, that is, the essence of the conversation and its reason disappear, leaving forever in memory only a scream and a face twisted with anger.

If you need something special, if you need to be understood in this way and not otherwise, you should speak about it precisely and directly, without forcing your partner to speculate. Tell him exactly what you want. If he does not listen to your words, then look for other ways to present information, think about the reasons, ask yourself questions and answer them. For example, tell him: “I want to talk because it is very important” or demand to listen to yourself. Does he ignore problematic situations? Do not want to fulfill their obligations? Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time by continuing to do nothing. Do not scatter impracticable threats, do not throw mud at him. If your words and actions do not lead to the desired result, then start looking at it, or rather, at your life in a different way: will it go with Him or without Him?

REASON SEVEN: insults and insults. Express your feelings, don't suppress them. Insulted - sit down and cry. Say that they offend jokes about weight and name-calling. You need to make it clear to your close person how his words and actions affect your self-awareness. “Don’t lower me below the plinth! Your words are very unpleasant to me”, “Did you at least get pleasure from the fact that you offended me in passing again?”

When you want to reconcile, it is important that both are satisfied with the outcome of the reconciliation. One will give in to cut off the showdown in the house. He will remain silent, but the cause of the conflict will not go anywhere! It will still come up someday in the form of a very unusual scandal (we do not expect a loud expression of will from the "quiet ones") and even a divorce! You can not put pressure on the conscience or emotions of a partner, raise your voice, refuse to listen. The most the main task- agree with yourself and understand: "It will not always be the way I want!". If one is silent, the other may be mistaken in believing that silence is a sign of consent.

It should not be considered who was more right. Remove from the vocabulary (especially during the "showdown") the words "never", "always". Say: "It is not necessary to solve this problem now, but I ask you to listen to me, I think the decision should be made together." Do not be shy to admit that you are wrong in the event of your unfair accusation, tell him: "I'm sorry, I'm ashamed, you're right, this is my omission." People with a positive image of "I" are not inclined to demonstrate their superiority, do not try to offend and humiliate others. The stereotypical attitude of partners “it should be so” often underlies misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other.

There are Women who are sure that they must remain proud, impregnable and cold. Do not drop dignity, do not show participation and interest in any situation. Even if the husband is not happy with success, he has reduced sex activity or (God forbid!) funding.

She sees herself above the "world problems", she is out of everyday life and everything mundane! She is a mysterious Stranger - "breathing with spirits and mists ...", woven from dreams. She is a gift, a flower that needs to be groomed and cherished! And this, she is convinced, is the main goal of a man’s life, that is, to serve and please her, blindly bowing in endless admiration, and she will condescendingly accept these honors, because she is sure that she was born only for them. And she doesn’t need to know all the affairs and other “baseness” of the material world - let her think about it ... this one ... well, how is he? Husband…

And then one day this “how is it? ... husband” gets tired of keeping an ice doll - he just goes to a normal earthly woman and finds his normal human happiness even in the way his chosen one looks at him happily eating freshly cooked cabbage soup.

We thank the IG "AST" for providing an excerpt from the book by Natalia Tolstaya "Love: from dusk to dawn. Resurrection of feelings".

Many men are humiliated by their soul mates, although they are not ready to admit it even to their closest associates. If such a relationship continues for years, it seems impossible to break this vicious circle: the wife is used to raising her voice, and the husband is used to dutifully pulling his head into his shoulders and agreeing with the most unfair accusations. But psychology can help in solving even such a problem - there are several proven ways with which you can change the situation in the family and make your wife respect her husband.

Important! Today, taking care of yourself and having an attractive appearance at any age is very simple. How? Read history carefully Marina Kozlova Read →

Why is my wife behaving like this?

To change a person's attitude, you first need to try to understand the reasons why he behaves aggressively. If a wife constantly raises her voice and insults her husband, then there may be the following reasons for this:

• The wife is used to doing this. If at the very beginning of the relationship a man was silent, when his wife first humiliated him, then it became fixed in her mind that he allowed such behavior. Even in a dialogue with the closest person, you need to immediately respond to humiliation. A man should openly make it clear that he is categorically against such an attitude.
• The husband did not indicate his dominant or at least equal position with his wife in the family hierarchy. The reasons may be different, for example, if the wife earns much more than her husband, so she considers herself entitled to humiliate him. According to many women, if a man does not cope with his role as a provider, he does not deserve respect.
• The wife has too many responsibilities that she cannot physically handle. There are families where a woman works on an equal footing with a man, does household chores, takes care of the children, and the man does not consider it necessary to help her. In this case, it is not surprising that the wife reacts negatively to the inaction of her husband and insults against him are the result of banal overwork. A similar situation can also arise if the spouse cannot cope with the load at work, so she “lets off steam”, breaking down on her loved ones.
• The husband stopped seeing a woman in his wife. If a wife has not received affection and compliments from her husband for a long time, she may be trying to get the missing attention by screaming and swearing. Men are unlikely to be able to understand how you can achieve love in such a strange way. But women in such a situation behave like children who, being capricious and disobedient, try to attract the attention of their parents.
• In the parental family of the wife there was a similar model of behavior. If the wife grew up in a house where the mother of the family constantly insulted and humiliated her father, then she can, without hesitation, copy such relationships in her own adult life.
• The wife is jealous of the children to her husband. If the spouse is a very strict and domineering woman, then the children, as a rule, are more drawn to the weak-willed and complaisant father. A woman, seeing that her own offspring are afraid of her and avoid her, will begin to take it out on her husband, deliberately humiliating and insulting him in the presence of children. As a rule, after such scenes, any child will feel even more sorry for and love the unfairly offended father, which will greatly increase the wife's negative attitude towards her husband.
• Health problems. Women's health is usually very fragile, and pregnancy and childbirth can further undermine it. A woman may begin hormonal disruptions, problems with being overweight, toxicosis and postpartum depression. All these violations often cause unreasonable mood swings and unreasonable aggression against the closest people.

How to behave if the spouse humiliates and insults her husband

When dealing with an angry spouse, you should remain calm and friendly. The wife will “cool down” faster if she sees that her husband cannot be provoked into an open conflict.

In no case should one stoop to reciprocal abuse and assault - in this way it will only be possible to destroy the family and inflict psychological trauma on children.

Depending on the reasons that prompt the wife to behave in an unworthy manner, the husband should adhere to a certain line of behavior:

• If the wife is simply used to pouring all the accumulated negativity onto the man, he needs to clearly and clearly let her know that if such a situation repeats, she will lose him forever. In the future, when the wife tries to insult her husband, you can raise your voice at her (or bang your fist on the table) and remind her of the warning. In such a situation, it is very important to show masculine character traits (assertiveness, self-confidence) so that the spouse is imbued with respect.
• If a wife humiliates her husband because of a small income or failures in life, you need to wait until you can talk to her calmly and in detail. In a conversation, you need to make it clear that marriage should be built on the principles of equality of both partners and respect for each other, and earnings should not play any role in this. The situation can change at any moment: the wife will lose her job or go on maternity leave, and her income will drop sharply, but she will not agree to be insulted and humiliated in this case.
• If the wife gets tired doing all the chores around the house and taking on too many responsibilities at work, it makes sense to try to redistribute the load. From the day when the husband begins at least daily to wash the dishes, wash clothes or walk with the children (or take on some other business), the wife will feel tremendous relief. She will free up at least a little time that she can devote to relaxation or her favorite hobby. The wife will become a little happier and will stop taking out her anger caused by fatigue on her husband.
• If a man has not hugged and kissed his wife for a long time, he needs to take care of it. You should not try to hug a woman when she is angry with her husband and expresses her claims - in this case, hugs will be regarded not as a sign of attention, but as an attempt to extinguish the conflict with the help of manipulation. In the future, you should pay more attention to your wife - celebrate a successful haircut or a well-fitting dress, gently hug her when she passes by, kiss when meeting and parting, give a hand when leaving the transport. Such behavior will not go unnoticed - perhaps mutual feelings will flare up with renewed vigor, and all claims will be quickly forgotten. After all, for any woman there is nothing more offensive than the indifference of a beloved man. Therefore, the spouse must try to prevent the wife from even thinking about his indifference. You must always be courteous and attentive to a woman.
• When aggression on the part of a woman is due to problems with her health, there is only one way out - to see a doctor as soon as possible. It is the husband who should notice dangerous changes in the behavior of his wife and make a timely decision to visit a specialist of the appropriate profile. It is not uncommon for prolonged depression and a constant negative attitude to end in a suicide attempt. The attention of the husband will help to notice the signs of a possible illness of the wife in time and prevent a disastrous outcome.
• If the wife's behavior model is copied from the family of her parents, it will be quite difficult to cope with the situation. A woman may simply not understand that in a normal family there is no place for constant insults and humiliation against her husband. But it would be useful to try to talk to her - to tell her that her constant reproaches kill mutual love, since the ideal woman in the eyes of a man should be soft and accommodating, and not grumpy and quarrelsome. If the wife really values ​​the relationship, she will think about her behavior and try to change it. In the future, the husband will have to periodically remind her of this conversation if, out of habit, she again brings down a hail of insults and claims on his head.
• When a couple practices sadomasochism intimately, it is not uncommon for the wife to try to dominate in other areas as well. If the husband is categorically not satisfied with this situation, you need to clearly and clearly make it clear to the wife that she should dominate only behind the closed doors of the bedroom, and in the presence of friends and relatives it is necessary to respect each other. It is important to express your position in time so that the aggressive behavior of the wife does not become a habit.
• It is absolutely unacceptable for a woman to offend and insult her husband in the presence of children. In this case, it is necessary not only to constantly explain to the wife how inappropriate her behavior is, but also, if she continues to do so, to resort to the help of friends and relatives. If a couple is surrounded by a person whose opinion she values ​​\u200b\u200b(for example, a mother or older sister), then there is no need to be shy about telling him about the conflicts taking place in front of the children. Any person will be horrified when he finds out what kind of example is set for children, and will try to explain to a woman that in no case should one quarrel in the presence of a child. When the spouse realizes that everyone unanimously condemns her behavior, she most likely will no longer risk doing this.

If it is not possible to change unsatisfactory relationships on your own, it is advisable to contact a family psychologist. Modern psychology is able to answer many questions of family life, in particular, to resolve conflicts and contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships in marriage. Naturally, you should contact a specialist only if both partners are ready to work on the current situation.

Ecology of knowledge. Psychology: One of the most difficult problems in a relationship between a man and a woman is how they deal with disagreements. Very often, when these disagreements arise, the conversation develops into an argument, and then - without a preliminary declaration of war - into a violent quarrel.

One of the most difficult problems in a relationship between a man and a woman is how they deal with disagreements. Very often, when these disagreements arise, the conversation develops into an argument, and then - without a preliminary declaration of war - into a violent quarrel.

Partners suddenly forget the language of love and begin to shoot at each other with reproaches, complaints, accusations, demands, doubts, often expressing their anger. Since communication is the most important element of relationships, quarrels have a particularly destructive effect on them.

By arguing in this way, men and women not only hurt each other's feelings, but also undermine their relationship. Quarrels have a particularly destructive effect on them, because the closer we are to a person, the easier it is for us to hurt him or be hurt ourselves.

For all practical reasons, I strongly advise couples to avoid quarrels. When two people are not in a sexual relationship, it is much easier for them to argue objectively and not get excited. But when people participate in it, between whom there is an emotional and - especially - sexual connection, they take everything to heart.

The main line to follow is never to argue. Instead, it is better to discuss the pros and cons of the problem that interests you. Try to negotiate peacefully, without bringing the matter to a dispute or, worse, a quarrel. After all, there is always the opportunity to do it honestly and openly and, even expressing negative feelings, not fall into a belligerent or provocative tone.

Some couples do nothing but quarrel, and little by little their love fades away. Others, in order to avoid conflicts and quarrels, try to suppress their true feelings. As a result, they seem to lose contact with their love. In the first case, the partners are in a state of war, in the second - in a state of cold war.

For any couple, it is best to find a middle ground between these two extremes. Remembering that we come from different planets, and based on this message, developing the skills of peaceful, full-fledged communication, it is quite possible to avoid quarrels. Not suppressing your negative feelings and not arranging a battle of ideas and desires.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE FIGHT

Disagreements themselves do not affect us as much as the ways in which they are expressed. Ideally, no one should suffer from a dispute: it can take the form of a regular conversation, where we express different points of view and our disagreement on certain issues. But in practice, it turns out that, having started arguing for any reason, the partners quarrel in five minutes about how to conduct this dispute.

They don't realize at first that they hurt each other enough. What could have taken the form of an innocent dispute, easily resolved with the help of mutual understanding and acceptance as a fact of the differences between them, develops into a real battle. Opponents do not want to understand or agree with the opposite point of view, because each does not like the way the other argues.

The closer we are with a partner, the more difficult it is for us to listen to his point of view objectively, without reacting to his negative emotions. To overcome the feeling that we really deserve his disrespect or disapproval, we automatically turn on a defense mechanism that resists his opinion. Even if we agree with him, we may well continue to argue stubbornly.

WHY BATTLE HURT

It's not so much what we say that hurts, but how we say it. Usually, when a man feels challenged by another person, his attention is focused on his own rightness, and he forgets that love should be guided in an argument. His ability to communicate in a respectful, caring, and reassuring tone is automatically reduced as well.

A man does not even suspect how much indifference sounds in his words and to what extent it hurts his partner. At such moments, the most common disagreement can sound like an aggressive adjustment on a woman, and a request can sound like an order. Naturally, such an approach causes her resistance even if she, in general, is not averse to agreeing with the meaning of her partner's words.

A man unconsciously hurts his partner with his harsh tone, and then begins to explain that she, they say, does not make any sense to be upset. He mistakenly believes that the woman is resisting his very point of view, when in fact she is offended by the approach of the interlocutor. Not understanding her reaction, he pays more attention to the content of his speeches, instead of changing the tone in which they are delivered.

The man does not realize that it is he who starts the quarrel: it seems to him that it is she who quarrels with him. He defends his point of view, while she defends herself from his harshness, which causes such pain.

Not considering it necessary to respect the experiences of a woman, a man devalues ​​them, which hurts her even more. It is difficult for him to understand how much she hurts, because, unlike a woman, he is not as vulnerable to cruel words and tone. As a result, he may not even understand what kind of wound he is inflicting on his partner, thereby causing her resistance.

In the same way, a woman does not realize to what extent a man can be offended. When she feels challenged, her tone becomes increasingly distrustful and intolerant. This is especially painful for a man, especially if there is an emotional connection between him and this woman.

Women begin and develop an argument, first expressing their negative attitude towards the partner's behavior, and then giving him advice that he did not ask for. When she does not bother to accompany the expression of her negative feelings with a message that speaks of trust in her partner and accepting him for who he is, the man reacts negatively to this, plunging her into bewilderment. And again, she does not understand that she offended him with her distrust.

To avoid disputes, we must remember that our partners do not accept not so much what we say, but how we say it. It takes two people to start an argument, but one is enough to end it. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for identifying when a disagreement turns into an argument. Then stop talking and ask for a time-out for yourself.

FOUR SELF-DEFENSE TACTICS

There are four main self-defense tactics that people use in disputes. This is battle, retreat, hiding and submission. Each of these tactics provides a temporary gain, but from a strategic point of view, they are all simply harmful..

1. Battle.

When the conversation becomes hard and cold, some instinctively rush into battle, or rather, begin to defend themselves. And their motto at the same time - "The best defense is an active attack." And they begin to reproach, condemn, criticize, in a word, they try in every possible way to prove that the partner is wrong. People who adopt this tactic tend to yell and express their anger in a variety of ways. Behind all this is an internal desire to intimidate a partner in order to achieve love and support from him. And when he retreats, they consider themselves winners, although in fact they lost.

Bullying always weakens trust in a relationship. To break through to your goal at all costs, blaming all the sins on the other, is a sure way to failure in a relationship with a partner. Quarreling, people gradually lose the ability to open up towards each other. Women close in on themselves to protect themselves, men fall into silence, and they do not care at all. Thus, little by little, the intimacy that existed between them at the beginning disappears.

2. Retreat.

It's kind of like a cold war. He avoids talking, and the problem remains unresolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time out and then coming back and lovingly solving all the issues.

These representatives of the Martian tribe are afraid of confrontation: they prefer to stay away from "hot" topics, avoiding any conversation that may lead to an argument. In their relationships, they have to behave with great caution. Women usually complain that it is they who are forced to use such tactics. However, men are also prone to it. The retreat has taken root in them to such an extent that they no longer notice it themselves.

Instead of getting into arguments, some couples stop talking altogether about topics they disagree about. Their way to get what they want is to punish their partner for not giving their love. They do not come out of the cave to attack him openly: instead, they stung indirectly, slowly, step by step, depriving him of the love he deserves. Leaving their love to themselves, each of the partners is sure that in this way he has to give less to the other.

Such tactics give a certain advantage - temporary peace and harmony, but if you continue not to discuss topics that are of concern to both and do not give mutual vent to your feelings, a whole mountain of grievances accumulates in everyone's soul. In the end, that love, that passion that once brought this couple together, are buried. Usually people resort to distractions (work hard, eat a lot, etc.) to numb their heartache caused by unresolved problems.

3. Hiding.

This tactic came to us from Venus. In order not to get injured, inevitable in an open fight, the Venusian pretends that everything is in order with her. She puts a smile on her face and always looks serene and happy. However, after some time, such a woman begins to embrace all the growing indignation: she gives herself to her partner, but receives nothing in return! This resentment blocks the natural manifestations of love.

Hidden women are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to dothe view that "everything is fine, wonderful and excellent." Men, usually using such expressions, mean completely different things. In their mouths, this means: “Everything is fine, because I can handle it myself”, “Everything is fine, because I know what to do”, “Everything is OK, because I can solve this problem without outside help.” In the mouth for a woman, this is sometimes a sign that she is trying to avoid conflict or argument.

In order not to raise waves, so to speak, a woman can even deceive herself and believe that everything is fine, wonderful and excellent, while in reality this is far from being the case. She sacrifices her desires, feelings and needs, refuses them, trying to prevent even the possibility of a conflict.

4. Submission.

This is also a purely Venusian tactic. Instead of starting an argument, a woman submits to fate. Thus, she dooms herself to the role of a target for reproaches of her partner, takes responsibility for everything that can upset or upset him. Relationships built in this way look full of love and mutual support, but in the end, the one who submits simply loses himself.

Once a man, complaining about his wife, said to me:

I love her so much. My wife gives me everything I want. The only "but" is that she is unhappy.

His wife, for twenty years of marriage, gave up herself for her husband. They never quarreled, and if anyone asked her about their relationship, she replied:

Everything is fine with us. My husband loves me so! Our only problem lies with myself. I'm depressed all the time, and I don't know why.

And her depression was the result of the fact that for two decades this woman renounced herself in order to please her husband.

Such people, trying to indulge their partner in everything, intuitively guess his desires and adapt to them. And everything ends with indignation against this, sometimes lasting for many years, humility in the name of love.

Any manifestation of neglect is very painful for them: they themselves neglect themselves enough without that. In an effort to avoid inattention at all costs, they try to be loved, pleasant for everyone. And gradually, in the full sense of the word, they lose themselves.

You may have found that you yourself adhere to one or another tactic, or maybe a little of each. People usually choose one of them, then another. The goal of each tactic is to prevent the pain that a partner may cause. But all this, unfortunately, is not so effective. But in order to achieve real result, one must be able to recognize in time when a conversation turns into an argument, and stop it in the bud. Take a time out, cool down, come to your senses, and only then return to your conversation. When communicating, try to show maximum understanding and respect for the opposite sex - and gradually you will learn to avoid disputes and quarrels.

WHY WE ARGUMENT

Men and women usually argue about money, sex, decision-making, the program and schedule of various activities, moral and other values, raising children and the distribution of household responsibilities. However, these disputes often turn into quarrels that are equally painful for both, and there is only one reason: we do not feel loved. Emotional pain begins with this sensation, and when it hurts, it becomes oh so difficult to love and show your love.

Since women do not come from Mars, instinct does not tell them what a man needs in order to successfully cope with disagreements. A conflict of ideas, feelings or desires is too big a challenge for him. The closer he is to a woman, the more difficult it is for him, when her opinion does not coincide with his.When she does not like any of his actions, he takes it too close to his heart and begins to think that it is not the act, but he himself that she does not like.

A man copes more easily with such situations when his emotional needs are satisfied. Deprived of the love he needs so much, he begins to defend himself, showing the dark side of his nature, and instinctively grabs his sword.

Outwardly, he seems to be arguing with a woman on this or that topic (money, distribution of duties, etc.), but the real reason that makes him draw his sword is that he does not feel loved. Arguing over finances, raising children, or anything else, in fact, he may be doing this for one of the secret reasons.

SECRET REASONS THAT MAKES MEN ARGUMENT

A hidden reason that pushes him to argue. What does he need to not argue:

1. “I don’t like it when she worries about any little thing: I did something - badly, didn’t do it - also badly. I feel that she condemns me, rejects, does not accept.

1. He needs to feel accepted for who he is. Instead, he feels her trying to remake him.

2. “I don’t like it when she starts telling me what to do and how to do it. I don't feel her admiration for me. On the contrary: she treats me like a child.”

2. He needs to see her admiration. Instead, he feels that she is suppressing him.

3. “I don’t like it when she reproaches me for being unhappy. I don't feel her encouragement to be her knight in shining armor."

3. He needs her encouragement. And instead, she kind of puts an end to him.

4. “I don't like it when she complains about how much she has to do or how little I appreciate her. Because of this, I feel that she does not appreciate what I do for her.

4. He needs to feel her gratitude. And instead, because of her reproaches, he feels helpless.

5. “I don’t like it when she worries about everything that, in her opinion, is not right. I don't trust her."

5. He needs trust and appreciation for his efforts to ensure her well-being. Instead, he feels responsible for her anxiety and worry.

6. “I don’t like that she expects me to say or act when she wants to. I feel that she does not accept, does not respect me.”

6. He needs to feel accepted for who he is. But instead, he feels under the "cap", under pressure, and therefore he has nothing to say. Because of this, it seems to him that he is not at all capable of satisfying her in anything.

7. “I don’t like it when she gets offended by what I say. I feel distrusted, misunderstood and repulsed."

7. He needs to feel accepted and trusted. Instead, he is rejected and not forgiven.

8. “I don't like it when she expects me to read her mind. And I can't do it. And so I feel like a bad, good-for-nothing person.”

8. He needs to feel her approval and faith in him. Instead, he has a sense of defeat.

Satisfying the primary emotional needs of a man reduces his tendency to get involved in disputes that are equally difficult for both partners. Then automatically he will be able to listen and speak with much more respect, understanding and care. Thus, disputes, disagreements and negative feelings are resolved through conversation and compromise, without pouring out into violent quarrels, during which each tries to hurt the other more painfully.

Women also contribute to the emergence of disputes, but for different reasons. Outwardly, a woman seems to be arguing about money, the distribution of responsibilities, or other topics, but in reality she is driven by a secret desire to resist her partner. She may have the following good reasons for this.

SECRET REASONS FOR WOMEN TO ARGUMENT

A hidden reason that pushes her to argue. What does she need to not argue

1. “I don’t like that he considers my feelings and requests a whim. I feel unwanted and abandoned."

1. She needs his recognition and encouragement. Instead, it is condemned and ignored.

2. “I don’t like it when he forgets to fulfill my requests, and, reminding me of them, I just look like a nitpick. I have a feeling that every time I have to beg for his support, like alms.

2. She needs to feel that he respects her and always remembers her. But in fact, she feels that she occupies the very last place in the list of important things for him.

3. “I don't like it when he scolds me if I'm upset. I feel that in order to be loved, I must be perfect. And I'm so imperfect."

3. She needs him to understand the cause of her frustration and to assure her of His love, and that for this she does not have to be perfect at all. Instead, she doesn't feel secure because she is who she is.

4. “I don’t like it when he raises his voice or starts listing why he is right and not me. Because of this, I always feel wrong, and he does not care about my point of view.

4. She needs his understanding and respect. In reality, they don’t hear her, they trample on her, push her away.

5. "I don't like his condescending tone when I ask anything about the decisions we have to make. So I feel like a burden or I feel like I'm making him waste time on trifles."

5. She needs to feel that he cares about her feelings and that he respects her need for information. Instead, she feels his lack of recognition and disrespect.

6. “I do not like that he sometimes does not answer my questions or comments. It's like I don't exist at all."

6. She needs reassurance that he listens to her and that he cares about her. And she feels that she is blamed or not paid attention to at all.

7. “I don’t like it when he explains why I don’t need to be offended, worried, angry, etc. Then I feel that he considers me absurd and does not support me.

7. She needs a sense of acceptance and understanding. Instead, she feels deprived of love and support, which causes her resentment.

8. “I don’t like that he insists on not taking anything to heart. Because of this, it begins to seem to me that having feelings is either a lack or a manifestation of weakness.

8. She needs his respect and encouragement, especially when she shares her feelings. In reality, she feels unprotected and almost despised.

All these negative feelings and unsatisfied needs, although they exist, are usually not expressed openly, but, accumulating in the soul, splash out all at once during the argument. Sometimes they are formulated verbally, but more often they are expressed by facial expressions, posture, tone.

Both men and women should understand what particularly offends members of the opposite sex, and take this into account, and not take it with hostility. After all, you can talk about the problem in such a way that the emotional needs of your partner will be satisfied. Thus, it is in our power to turn disputes into peaceful, worthy conversations, with the goal of discussing a particular problem and overcoming disagreements in solving it. It is only important that each of the partners does not forget to support the other in the most acceptable way for him.

ANATOMY OF A Spore

The anatomy of all violent disputes is basically the same.

1. Woman expressing her frustration about "ABC"

2. The man explains why she shouldn't be upset about this.

3. She feels like she's being accused of being unreasonable and gets even more upset (much more about that now than "ABC").

4. He senses her disapproval and becomes angry. She reproaches her that it was she who “turned on” him and, before making peace, expects an apology from her.

5. She apologizes, although not really understanding why, or “turns on” even more, and the argument develops into a real battle.

In order to avoid conflicts that hurt both, it is very important to recognize that men, even without knowing it, can devalue the feelings of a woman, and women, also without realizing, can send signals of disapproval.

HOW MEN UNKNOWN TO PROVOKE quarrels

Most often, men provoke quarrels by belittling a woman’s feelings or her point of view. They don't understand how painful it is for women.

For example, he can provoke her to display negative emotions by noticing for some reason: “Oh, okay, never mind.” To another man, this phrase will seem quite friendly, but the woman is offended because it expresses an insensitive attitude towards her.

Another example. A man may try to resolve a woman's concern by saying, "Well, it's not all that bad." Then he offers a practical solution to the issue and expects the partner to cheer up at once. The man does not understand her feelings, and they are as follows: he does not recognize that my feelings are grounded, and does not want to support me. And a woman cannot appreciate his decision if he does not respect her need to worry.

Another very typical example: a man did something that upset a woman. His instinctive desire is to help, and he begins to explain why she should not be upset. Say, he had very weighty reasons to do just that, that this act was dictated by irrefutable logic, some higher considerations, etc. etc. And he does not understand that from all his reasoning, it begins to seem to the partner that he has encroached on her right to be upset. The only message she caught in her partner's speeches was: I don't care about your feelings.

In order to listen to his considerations, she needs him to listen first, which led her to an upset feeling. He should temporarily put aside his explanations and listen to her - and with understanding. When a man feels that he cares about her feelings, the woman will automatically feel his support.

All this, although it requires practice, is doable. Usually, when a woman begins to talk about another disappointment, problem, anxiety, a man reacts to this with every cell. He has a bunch of explanations and excuses at the ready, with the aim of normalizing her upset feelings. It is never a man's intention to deliberately make matters worse. His tendency to dispel negative feelings through explanations is dictated solely by Martian instinct.

However, realizing that his usual, automatic manner of reacting to the experiences of a woman in this case is simply contraindicated, the man will try to understand what and how should affect his partner. And remembering his own experience, he will be able to change something for the better.

HOW WOMEN UNCONSCIOUSLY PROVOTE quarrels

Most often, women provoke quarrels by not expressing their feelings directly. Instead of openly talking about displeasure or disappointment, she begins to ask rhetorical questions, in which, without knowing it herself (or maybe knowing), she puts information about her disapproval. Even if she did not seek to convey such a message, the man captures it.

Of course, ask the person "Why didn't you call?" quite normal - but only if you are really interested in the reason. However, an upset or angry woman, by the very tone of her voice, often makes it clear that she does not want to receive a reasoned answer, but seeks to emphasize that the partner could not have had good reasons for being late.

Hearing a question like "How could you be so late?" or “Why didn’t you call?”, the man catches in him not the true emotions of the partner, but only her displeasure. He can feel how much she wants to help him become more responsible. He feels that he is being attacked and begins to defend himself. And she has no idea how her disapproval hurts her partner.

To the same extent that a woman needs a declaration of love, a man needs approval. The more a man loves a woman, the more he needs him. And this assessment is always present at the beginning of their relationship. Either she lets him know that she approves of him, or he himself is sure that he is able to win her approval.

Even if a woman’s resentment against other men in her life or her father is preserved in her memory, at the beginning of a relationship she still tends to give a positive characterization to her partner. This can be expressed something like this: "He is not like everyone else, not like the others - those whom I knew before."

When a woman deprives a man of praise, it is especially painful for him. Women themselves are usually forgetful about this, but if they take back their approval, so to speak, they think that they have every reason for this. The reason for this insensitivity is that they simply do not know to what extent their positive assessment is important to men.

A woman, however, can learn to express her disagreement with her partner's behavior, while continuing to perceive him as such with approval. This is essential for a man to feel loved. Usually, showing dissatisfaction with the behavior of a partner and wanting to force him to change, a woman begins to be critical of him. Of course, this happens to a greater or lesser extent, but the feeling of disapproval from a girlfriend for a man is always extremely painful.

The vast majority of men are too ashamed to admit how much they need the praise of a partner. They may even go somewhere far away to prove to her that they can live without it. But why then, having lost the approval of a woman, they immediately become cold, as if turned off, and begin to defend themselves from all the world? Yes, because it is very difficult not to get what is so necessary.

At the beginning of a relationship, everything is always fine, because the man is still in the favor of the woman. He is still her knight in shining armor. By receiving a blessing - her approval, he can win many tournaments. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he immediately falls into disfavor and loses her patronage. In the blink of an eye, he can be thrown into a dog kennel.

A man, in general, is able to survive the disappointment of his partner, but when it is expressed in rejection, then it becomes very bad for him. Women usually ask a man about his behavior in a very disapproving tone, believing that this will give him a good lesson. But no: everything turns into only fear and indignation. And gradually the motivation of the man is weakening more and more.

To approve of a man is to believe that he has good reasons for being exactly the way he is. Even when he is irresponsible, lazy, treats his partner disrespectfully, she - if she only loves him - will always be able to find good sides in him. To approve is to see love or good intentions behind outward behavior.

To treat a man as if he had no good reason to do exactly the way he does is to deprive him of the protection that his partner so generously bestowed on him at the beginning of their relationship. A woman must remember that she may not do this even when she does not agree with his behavior or actions.

WHEN HE MOST NEED HER APPROVAL

Most arguments arise not because two people disagree with each other, but because either the man feels that the woman does not share his point of view, or the woman does not approve of the way he talks to her.

She often expresses displeasure when her partner is dismissive of her opinion or her need for a caring and respectful tone of conversation. If men and women learn to communicate at the appropriate level, they will stop arguing and quarreling, and will calmly discuss their differences and look for solutions acceptable to both partners.

When a man makes a mistake, or forgets to fulfill the assignment given to him, or does not justify the responsibility entrusted to him, the woman does not understand how painfully he himself perceives this. That's when he needs her love the most. And to deprive him of his approval at such a moment means to hurt him very, very much. She may not even be aware of it. Perhaps he thinks that the man is only disappointed, but he feels her coldness and dislike.

Without realizing it, a woman can express her dissatisfaction, say, with a facial expression or intonation. The words she chooses may even be gentle, but the tone in which they are pronounced and the expression on her face can hurt a man greatly. Defensively, he tries to present the case as if she was wrong. He accuses her and thereby justifies himself.

A man is most likely to argue when he has made a mistake or upset the woman he loves. If he has disappointed her, he wants to explain why she shouldn't be upset about it. She thinks that her arguments will make her feel better. However, he does not know that if a woman is upset, then she first of all needs her partner to listen to her and recognize the validity of her feelings.

HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DISSENT WITHOUT ARGUING

1. WHEN HE COMES HOME LATE

Her rhetorical question:“How could you be so late?” or “Why didn’t you call?” or “What do you think I was supposed to be thinking?”.

What does he hear:“There was no good reason for you to be so late! You are just an irresponsible person. So I wouldn't be late for anything. I'm better than you."

What he explains:“There was a traffic jam on the bridge”, or: “Not everything in life happens the way you want”, or: “What do you think, I can’t be late once?”.

What she hears:“There is absolutely nothing for you to be upset about, because I had quite good and completely logical reasons for being late. In any case, my work is more important than you. Actually, you're asking too much."

“I really don't like it when you're late. This upsets me. I would be very grateful to you if the next time you are late, you would call me.

“I'm really late. I'm sorry you're so upset about this." It is extremely important to simply listen to her, without going into explanations. Try to understand that she needs to feel loved, and treat it with due respect.

2. WHEN HE FORGETS ABOUT SOMETHING

Her rhetorical question:“How could you forget this?” or “When will you remember anything?” or “How can I trust you?”.

What does he hear:“There is no reason to forget such things. You are stupid and cannot be trusted. And I invest so much in our relationship with you!

What he explains:“I was really busy and just forgot. This happens sometimes, ”or:“ Yes, in general, it’s okay. It doesn't mean that I don't care about anything."

What she hears:“There is nothing for you to be upset about such a trifle. You're asking too much and reacting completely unreasonably. Try to look at things more realistically, otherwise you live in some kind of fantasy world.

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:"I don't like it when you forget something." And here is another effective remedy: not to mention at all that he forgot to do something, but to ask him about it again, for example, in this form: “I would be very grateful to you if you ...” And he himself will understand that he forgot about the request.

How can he show more respect for her experiences:“I really forgot about it… Are you really mad at me?” And then let her talk, without trying to prove that her anger is unfounded. Speaking, she will understand that she is being heard, and will soon begin to feel appreciation for her partner.

3. WHEN HE RETURNS FROM HIS CAVE

Her rhetorical question:“How could you be so insensitive and cold?” or “How do you think I should react to this?” or “How can I know what is going on in your soul?”

What does he hear:“There was no good reason for you to distance yourself from me like this. You are cruel, you do not love me. And not at all the one I need. You have offended me a thousand times more than I have ever offended you."

What he explains:“I only needed a couple of days to be alone. What is the crime here? or “I didn’t do anything wrong to you. Because of what is all the fuss?”.

What she hears:“There was absolutely nothing for you to feel offended and abandoned, and if you still want to be in this state, I am not going to sympathize with you. You are too capricious and love to keep me "under the hood". I did and will do what I want, but I don’t care about your feelings. ”

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:“I know you need to distance yourself from time to time, but it still frustrates me. I am not saying that you are doing bad things, but it is important for me that you understand how hard it is for me.

How can he show more respect for her experiences:“I understand that when I move away, you feel bad and hurt. Let's talk about it". (When she feels she is being heard, she can more easily come to terms with his need to "hang out" at times.)

4. WHEN HE DISAPPOINTS HER

Her rhetorical question:“How could you do this?” or “Why can’t you do what you said you were going to do?” or “Didn’t you say you would do this?” or “When did you in the end, will you learn? ..».

What does he hear:“You have no good reason to disappoint me. You are just an idiot. You are unable to do anything properly. I can't be happy as long as you are the way you are!"

What he explains:“Next time I’ll do it right,” or “It’s not that bad,” or “I just didn’t know what you meant.”

What she hears:"If you're weak, it's your own fault. You have to be able to adapt to circumstances. There was nothing to be upset about, and I don't sympathize with you at all."

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:“I don't like to be disappointed. I thought you would call. Okay, it's all right; I just need you to know what it's like when you..."

How can he show more respect for her experiences:“I understand that I disappointed you. Let's talk about it... How do you feel? Give her a chance to be heard and she will feel better. After a while, say: “What can I do now so that you feel my support?” or “How can I support you now?”

5. WHEN HE DOESN'T RESPECT HER FEELINGS AND HURTS HER HURT

Her rhetorical question:"How could you say that?" or "How could you do this to me?" or "Why can't you listen to me?" or "Do you have anything else to do with me?" or "Do I treat you like this?"

What does he hear:“You are a bad and rude person. I have much more love. I will never forgive you for this. You should be punished and driven away. It's all your fault."

What he explains:“Come on, I didn’t mean that,” or: “I’m listening to you - see, I’m listening now,” or: “Yes, I’m not laughing at you at all.”

What she hears:“You have no right to be upset. Your feelings don't make any sense. You're too sensitive, I think it's not normal. You are such a burden to me."

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:"I don't like the way you talk to me. Please stop,” or “You are acting dishonorably now, and I don’t like it. I want to take a time out,” or “I didn’t want our conversation to go like this. Let's start over," or "I don't deserve to be treated like this by you. I want to take a time out" or "Could you not interrupt me?" or "Please listen to what I'm saying." (A man responds better to short and direct statements. Lectures and questions are useless here.)

How can he show more respect for her experiences:"I'm sorry. You don't deserve me to treat you like this." Then you need to take a deep breath and wait for her reaction. If she's determined to continue, she might say something like, "You never listen to me." When she pauses, say, “You're right. Sometimes I don't really listen. I'm sorry about that; you are not worthy of such treatment ... Let's start the conversation from the beginning. We'll do better this time." Revisiting the conversation is a great way to keep an argument from flaring up. If she does not want to start all over again, do not prove the fallacy of her position. Remember: if you recognize her right to experience, she will show more tolerance and approval towards you.

6. WHEN HE'S IN A HURRY AND HER DOESN'T LIKE IT

Her rhetorical question:“Why are we always in a hurry somewhere?” or: "Why are you running and running?"

What does he hear:“There is no reason to rush like that! I never feel good with you. Nothing will change you. You have no idea how or what to do. And besides, it’s quite obvious that I don’t care about you.”

What he explains:“I don’t think it’s that bad,” or “It always happens like this,” or “There’s nothing we can do about it now,” or “Don’t worry so much, everything will be fine.”

What she hears:“You have no right to complain. In theory, you should be grateful for everything you have, and not whine or sour. You have no reason to complain. Your whining only upsets others."

Her rhetorical question:"Why did you say that?" or “Why do you have to talk to me like that?” or "Do you care what I say at all?" or "How can you say that?"

What does he hear:“You have no reason to treat me the way you do. It's clear that you don't love me. You don't care about me at all. I give you so much and you give me nothing in return.”

What he explains:"That's just nonsense," or "But that's not what I said," or "I've heard it all before."

What she hears:“You have no right to worry. You're just brainwashed. I know what is right and what is wrong because I am above you and you do not know it. It's you, not me, who always starts quarrels.

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:“We have to hurry - okay, what to do, but I don’t like it. I feel like we've been in a hurry all our lives" or "I love being able to take my time and I just hate being rushed somewhere. Maybe next time you will calculate the time so that we have fifteen minutes left?

How can he show more respect for her experiences:"I do not like it either. If only we could drive slower! And that’s just crazy.” In this example, he identifies with her feelings. Even if some part of him loves fast driving, the best support for a partner is to let her know that part of him sincerely shares her disappointment.

7. WHEN DURING A TALK, SHE FEELING LIKELY

How can she do without a sharp expression of disapproval:“I don't like what you say. It seems like you're judging me and I don't deserve it. Please understand me,” or “I had a hard day. I know it's not only your fault. And I need you to understand how I feel right now. Okay?"

Or just ignore his remarks, ask for what she needs:“I'm in such a lousy mood; could you listen to me a little? It will help the cause a lot." (In order for a man to be able to listen, he needs to receive a lot of signs of encouragement.)

This will be of interest to you:

How can he show more respect for her experiences:“I am very sorry that this happened. How do you take what I say? After giving her the opportunity to remember exactly what she heard, say again: “I'm sorry. I understand why you don't like it." And limit it. For it is time to listen.

Resist the temptation to explain to her that she just misunderstood what you were saying. Once the wound, wittingly or unwittingly, is inflicted, you have only to listen in order to heal it. Explanations are also useful, but only after the wound has been "treated" with respect, care and understanding.

John Grey, From "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" published

Do not give up and make sudden conclusions that your characters are incompatible. Most likely, you need to radically revise your strategic approach to solving all the exciting issues in the relationship. How to do it? Read on.

Many women, setting out to dot the i's in relationships, make "gross" mistakes, which are the main obstacle to resolving the conflict. What?

1. A man is not a girlfriend

No matter how strange it may sound, but men will never become our faithful "girlfriends". After all, their sexual characteristics are the main obstacle to mutual understanding. Therefore, women's attempt to demonstrate their vulnerability, sadness, sadness or discontent is often broadcast by men as a signal to "stop".

For example, saying the phrase “I feel bad” to a friend, we can hear in response words of support, a lot of advice and a desire to reassure. But if we start a conversation with a man with this phrase, then most likely we will encounter a wave of discontent, and even a lot of unnecessary clarifying questions.

The thing is that men from childhood were taught to hide their emotions and cope with difficulties on their own. Therefore, if a woman begins a conversation with a complaint about her emotional state, then in response she is unlikely to hear words of deep understanding and a willingness to save her from the blues.

Such phrases not only irritate men, but also make them feel guilty in front of a woman. After all, not even realizing that we just need a gentle look and gentle hugs, they begin a detailed questioning about who or what provoked our condition. And not having received a reliable and reasonable answer, they show irritation and, as a result, they try to avoid another showdown.

Advice: if you want to give your conversation a constructive flow - do not start the conversation by describing your emotional state. Remember that the phrases “I feel bad,” “I don’t know what happened to me,” or “I think it’s time to talk about our feelings” can not only scare, but also initially set a man to take a defensive position.

2.Third - superfluous

Many women in a conversation with men often involve a third character in the conversation. Be it a friend, mother-in-law, brother or co-worker. “You are the same as your mother” or “you cannot achieve what your colleague has achieved” - such phrases often involuntarily break out of our mouths. However, they can make the conversation destructive. Agree, it is unlikely that a man will like such comparisons, especially if they are pronounced with reproach and pretense.

Firstly, no man will tolerate offensive barbs against people close and dear to him. It is not surprising that after he hears reproaches against his beloved mother, the conversation will instantly turn into a scandal. And secondly, the subject of the conversation will immediately lose its meaning if you start to involve third parties in the conversation.

Advice: it is not necessary during the conversation to call for help from third parties who have nothing to do with your problem.

3.Sharp start

When resentment, anger and other negative emotions accumulate inside a woman, she often splashes them out immediately at the beginning of a conversation. It is difficult for men to understand why yesterday a woman whispered words of love in her ear and said that he was the best lover in the world, and today, like a bolt from the blue, she shoots poisonous arrows at him. And we just want to be heard, once and for all solving the problem that torments us.

And even if this problem lies in the distribution of dishwashing, it is important for us. After all, we are not talking about dishes and not about their quantity, but about the attention that we lack, and about the distribution of responsibility for household chores in half. But in order to be heard, we often choose the wrong strategy at the very beginning of the conversation.

Advice: Do not start a conversation with harsh accusations and complaints. Avoid value judgments, which can not only cause offense, but also provoke conflict. As a result, the subject of the conversation will be lost, and the negative emotions that you splashed out at the beginning of the conversation will be compensated by a new portion of negativity.

Do not forget that men, just like us, and even more need warm words and delicate handling. Their psyche is not as fragile as ours, but it is certainly susceptible to the words that we often throw to the wind. Good luck!