A friend constantly humiliates and criticizes psychology. My friend criticizes me

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The longer the relationship lasts, the more valuable it is. It is difficult for us to let go of old comrades, but sometimes it is simply necessary to do this. A strong friendship over the years can not only lose its strength, but also become frankly unnecessary.

website for all his readers, he collected bright signs of a toxic girlfriend. If you mark your loved one at least a couple of them - it means it's time to think about whether you should continue to communicate.

1. Cannot rejoice in your successes.

If you tell a toxic friend about your successes, her reaction will be an instant translation of the topic or laments about her own unenviable lot: “See! You have a boyfriend! And I have nothing!” or “You won the competition, but I never can!” She is completely uninterested in the successful side of your life, but she really likes to comfort you after failures.

• What does it lead to: A friend's negative reaction to your success can provoke feelings of guilt and a desire to correct the situation, help her, if not find a boyfriend, then at least win the contest. Offers of help, as a rule, are perceived with hostility, which increases the pangs of conscience.

2. Gets jealous like she's your boyfriend

A friend will not be happy to meet if she finds out that you saw someone other than her. She may pout or throw a tantrum, demanding to include herself in all your plans. The highest manifestation is to track posts on social networks and write angry messages: “You were in a cafe yesterday, but why didn’t you call me?”

• What does it lead to: You can take on the role of a mature, seasoned teacher and try to instill in a friend the “right” qualities. But, as psychologists think, this idea is doomed to failure: frequent showdowns and tantrums are inevitable - how long can you hold out?

3. You feel empty after talking to her.

Often we do not notice that after talking with a friend we feel weak, tired or even have a headache. Psychologist Susan Heitler believes that it's all about psychosomatics. After all, all body systems are interconnected, and emotional discomfort provokes physical ailment.

• What does it lead to: If you notice discomfort after talking with a friend, ask yourself: does this happen often? If the answer is yes, it is worth considering whether the game is worth the candle and maybe you should take a break and take a break from each other.

4. Sometimes you feel like you want to hide something from her.

A change in your interests, a previous negative communication experience, or just some inexplicable feeling can provoke a reluctance to tell a friend about some things, although you previously shared everything with her without hesitation.

• What does it lead to: Having stopped talking about feelings, experiences, personal events, you will soon realize that there is nothing more to talk about with this person.

5. Calls at any time of the day with the requirement to listen to her

There are always times when one needs support more than the other, but the toxic girlfriend abuses it. She calls late at night or early in the morning demanding to listen and gets very offended when you refuse. Support is important in close relationships, but you are not a therapist or a pillow for tears.

• What does it lead to: By ignoring the intrusiveness and arrogance, you give them the green light. An annoying friend will call more often, and her monologues will last longer.

6. Emphasizes your strengths against your weaknesses

She looks strong and confident, dresses cool, and criticizes everyone around her, including you. One of her favorite phrases: “But I have ...” In fact, this is how low self-esteem manifests itself, which the girl successfully hides behind ostentatious success.

• What does it lead to: In her presence, you may feel insecure and indecisive.

7. Copies your behavior, hairstyle, manicure and even a guy

She may do it on purpose or unconsciously. As a rule, everything happens out of good intentions: she really likes you, and she wants to be the same. Copying manifests itself in different ways: the manner of moving, speaking, dressing, cutting or painting. A girlfriend can do the same manicure and look for a guy similar to yours. And when you talk to her, you hear your opinion and your beliefs.

• What does it lead to: You are a source of strength and inspiration for a friend, she cannot come up with anything of her own. Perhaps the reason is meager fantasy or envy. If you are able to put up with imitation, then this friendship, according to New York psychologist Peggy Dexler, can be saved.

8. Dramatizes events and only talks about his failures.

She always dramatizes everything and only talks about how bad she is. She accumulates resentment, pain and negativity inside herself and is “recharged” by this. Psychologists believe that resentment, suspiciousness and the desire to see the negative aspects of life can be symptoms of neurosis.

• What does it lead to: In an effort to support a friend and choosing from general topics for conversation only those that she can successfully support, you can also become infected with the habit of looking only for the bad in life and not noticing the good at all.

9. Strives to be better than you in everything, turning friendship into an endless race.

When you say, “Look what shoes I got on sale! Only three thousand!” - as she smugly reports: “I found Gucci shoes. But yours, of course, is also nothing ... ”For any good news that you tell, a girlfriend will find her own - better, more interesting.

• What does it lead to: A race in which someone else always wins does not allow you to feel the first at least sometimes. You are like a girl who gets things from her older sister.

10. Exploits you for personal gain

This trait manifests itself in regular requests to give a lift, borrow money, give a call or contract your boyfriend for repairs in the apartment. Such people consider others solely as a means to achieve their own goals.

• What does it lead to: The more you help, the more often you will be asked for it. To avoid this, you need to learn how to say no without embarrassment.

11. Criticizes and tells too much truth.

I'm being criticized

Psychologist's opinion

I would call criticality our national feature. I recently talked with a friend who moved to live in another country last year with her husband and little daughter. In Moscow, she had to constantly fend off criticism from people completely unfamiliar to her about her own child! “I didn’t dress like that - too hot, too cold”, “The child eats sand!”, “What do you feed the child!” and the list goes on and on. Abroad, she expected exactly the same attitude ... and did not meet him. Everyone rejoices at her child, everyone smiles at her, treats her with fruit. Just don’t think that my story is about how bad it is in our country, but there, in the West, it’s good. No, this is just an illustration of the fact that we Russians have criticality in our blood.

Very often people come to me with problems in relations with their husband, wife, relatives, colleagues. And as a rule, criticality always pops up on the agenda. Mothers mercilessly criticize their children, husbands' wives, wives' husbands, and so on. Quite a vicious circle.

I think that soon people will think about adding criticality to the directory of hereditary diseases, because criticality is really passed on from generation to generation. If the parents were critical of the child (and in our country this is the norm, as you understand), then the probability that the child will grow up critical is almost 100%. He will be critical not only of himself, but also of others. These are always interconnected processes.

The opposite process of criticality is acceptance. When I criticize, I do not accept reality and try to change it; when I accept, I admit that the world is diverse and unique.

What happens in the moment of criticism? The critic considers his opinion to be the only correct one and tries to slightly (well, or not a little bit) format the criticized. Why is he doing this? I think that most of those who criticize you will say with confidence that they are doing this out of the best of intentions: “I want the best for you!”, “Mom knows what will be better for you!”, “I care about your own good!” etc. Those. the critic decides that he knows best how to be and how to behave. The parent-child relationship is still complicated by the topic of physical security. Mom really worries about the safety of the child and for his health. He often worries so much that he literally stuffs his child with fears. Here are stories about a sticky ass (it would seem that this proverb should have died out a long time ago, like a rudiment, but it is still in use with parents), and about gypsies, and about wolves. One familiar mother regretted a million times that she had told her little daughter a horror story about wild animals from the nearest forest, the girl began to be afraid to be alone. In general, parents take care of their children as best they can.

Then, when safety becomes more or less calm, the formatting of the child for success and approval in the eyes of teachers and neighbors begins.

Many parents now, probably, will be ready to shower me with slippers and say that there is no other way. This is the essence of education. But we all know that the difference between medicine and poison is measure. If it's a teaspoon, then it's medicine, and if it's a five-liter bucket, it's already poison. So it is with criticism. And yet, dear parents, most of all your children are taught by your own example, and not by the slogans that you broadcast to them. The child, unfortunately, has no choice, he is a hostage of his family. But adults have a choice. It is always the one who was most criticized in childhood who criticizes. As taught, so we live.

And there is one very important point in criticism: you will be criticized as long as you react to it. At the same time, you can train yourself to remain calm on the outside, but every time a hurricane sweeps through you inside. Until all the hurricanes subside and settle down, you will be criticized. Those. You attract critics.

Let's look at individual situations from those requests that clients contact me with.

One of the most common: “Mom constantly criticizes me,” a 30-year-old girl tells me. “She is impossible to please, I always do everything wrong.” And the girl is wonderful: beautiful, smart and great fellow. My very first question in this situation is: "Do you live together or separately?" The very first rule in the case of parents is to leave. Rent a house, plan your personal life, take out a mortgage, move in with relatives, with friends, ideally with your husband. Either option would be much better than living with an ever-critical mom. It is always easier to maintain a good relationship at a distance. So, we have: the mother criticizes the adult daughter (son). In the case of mom, the whole trouble is that whether we like it or not, mom remains a very close person for us all our lives. Even if there is no relationship with your mother, even if you do not communicate at all, every child in the depths of his soul expects love and warmth from his mother. This is how we are. And if our closest person criticizes us, then the probability of having low self-esteem is very high. The same applies to the critical dad.

It's like a house with a rotten foundation. You can make a very beautiful facade, an excellent roof, but the foundation will make itself felt all the time, the house will fall apart. Also in my relationship with my mother. In the depths of your soul, you will be sure that you are somehow bad and unworthy. And it will not affect your life in the best way. Your task literally boils down to repairing your foundation. Replace all rotten boards with new ones, throw away all rubbish and start living happily. As a rule, relations with mothers in such a situation improve.

The next no less dramatic situation: "My husband constantly criticizes me" or "The guy criticizes me." This issue is especially acute in the family, when children appear, and the wife sits in maternity leave. Willy-nilly, her social circle becomes much smaller and often she simply may not have enough communication. She runs all day like a squirrel in a wheel, and in the evening her husband comes, she wants to complain. And he wants to see a smiling carefree beauty, and a tired and wrapped up wife at home. This is, of course, an exaggerated situation, it happens in different ways. We women are so arranged that criticism is very destructive for us. We can't live without compliments nice words, admiring glances, so we grow dim. Of course, we can encourage ourselves, but still, support from a loved one is very important.

With your husband, it is important to learn to set boundaries and tell him about the consequences of his words and how you feel at this moment. It is mandatory to use the so-called "I-statement". Not "you're an asshole, you fucked me", but "I feel lonely when you say that, I'm sad from your words." Take responsibility for your feelings, but give him feedback about his actions and words. And most importantly, husband and wife are one team. And your task is to unite this team, to make it even more coherent and effective. And for this, you must definitely learn to admire your man yourself, give him support and thank him from the bottom of my heart.

Quite often we express our critical opinion about other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these remarks is said "behind the back", but the rest has to be faced face to face. The boundaries of criticism range from light "tingling" (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-orders. Are there people who like criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others do not.

Criticism: good and different

Let's start with the fact that criticism is different - constructive and non-constructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not of two, but of four types:

• constructive both in form and content;
• constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
• constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
• unconstructive both in form and content.

Example: the wife-housewife did not have time to prepare dinner for the arrival of her husband and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, besides, he warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How can his criticism sound?

"I'm upset that you didn't cook dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I'm very hungry. I ask you to better timing next time." This criticism is constructive both in form and in content. The wife is likely to react calmly and consider criticism for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.

"I think you need to rethink your ability to plan your day. Until you can handle it." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an incorrect generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was well planned: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, put things in order at home, pick up the child from school and take him to extracurricular activities, bring him home, feed him. She'd had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner wasn't the result of bad planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself undeservedly offended. However, if the husband is used to criticizing in a constructive way, then perhaps the wife is also used to responding constructively. It is possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.

"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why do I have to wait when I come home hungry after a day's work?!" This criticism is generally correct in content but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will justify herself, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him in half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because. there is a rational grain in criticism, but her mood will be spoiled. Despite the fact that the husband was right in the essence of the message, she will feel hurt. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. With the frequent repetition of such a situation, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.

"Clumsy! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and in form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn the act of his wife, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and besides, in a rude way. Secondly, such "criticism" is not useful, it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person's actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst kind of criticism, literally "corroding", like rust, any relationship.

Thus, completely constructive criticism "works" best of all, i.e. true in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, as it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes. And precisely because she speaks correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is she who has the most chances to be heard and accepted.

The remaining varieties of criticism evoke mostly negative emotions, leading to defensive reactions, either self-justification, or repelling "attacks," or silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relations or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game”, when the criticized is so strongly dependent on the critic that he cannot break off relations and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is the path of dissatisfaction, leading to emotional outbursts.

Who criticizes us and why?

As we found out, criticism is often non-constructive, and therefore we are used to internally defending ourselves from it. What are the main motives of the critics?

They want to assert themselves by lowering us. There are people who tend to criticize anything and everything. Any action of others (be it a relative, girlfriend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate from the point of view of why it is erroneous. And often immediately give out this information to the addressee. These people seem to be confident know-it-alls, but in fact they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else's "mistake", and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is not constructive: often they immediately say that "something" is bad, but they cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - raising self-esteem. Therefore, such people are almost impossible to please, no matter how much you act according to their advice.

We are envious. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, disguisedly criticizing what he envy: "This dress suits you very much, it is beautiful hides the flaws of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind the mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, let her have something that I don’t have, but I told her that!

They want to spoil the mood, because dislike. If relations with someone do not add up, if there is a constant background of discontent, then there is ground for constant pricks of criticism. This can happen between the daughter-in-law and, colleagues, "sworn" friends. A person who feels dislike for another will look for the smallest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled ("What delicious pancakes! It's okay that you spent half a bottle of oil"), sometimes direct ("What kind of hostess are you, even if you don't know how to wash the dishes!"). This criticism shows a general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.

They try to vent their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has trouble at work, then, most likely, his relatives will serve as a "lightning rod". Coming home to bad mood, he finds a couple of criticisms for others: a child watching a cartoon (“You don’t do anything useful, lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) And other family members. This "criticism", unfortunately, is a well-established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can safely ask: "Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think it over together." Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, just distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.

They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in the store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“You don’t suit the color, style, figure is not for this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy for a higher position was opened in the department and began to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this position.

And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, friends, colleagues tell us something impartial, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Inwardly, we ourselves experienced remorse, and the words of others in this case show us that other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for some time our feelings intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but the inner voice tells us: "You understand that you were wrong. Do not try to deceive yourself." If the surrounding people remain silent, fearing to offend, the person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also consolidate the erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” in it, since the environment was silent. Constructive criticism does not need to be defended, it needs to be recognized and processed, and if the spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.

All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or “ride” at our expense. In every situation where criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look "for" it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you respond appropriately.

You are criticized: how to react?

The tactics we use when we hear criticism can be very different. Moreover, for the same person, it varies, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relations with others. How else, if criticism is a significant part of communication?

There are five main types of reaction to criticism.

"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, nurtured from childhood. This is the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you make a guilty look and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy, having matured - they begin to make excuses. They want to "enter into their position", "show understanding", in the end, take pity on them. They speak in such a pleading and hesitant tone that their words can not be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees "sincere" repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new excuses, but already in a dialogue with himself. It takes away strength and energy that could have been spent on useful activities. A person's mood decreases, and he feels insecure, unable to defend his position.

"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in response. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: "He's like that!" The response is often harsh, sometimes offensive. There can be no talk of any constructive dialogue, because the defender turns on a powerful defense mechanism through an attack. If a person uses this method often, then the glory of an unbalanced and not too smart one, unable to accept a word of criticism, is assigned to him. A social "vacuum" can form around him, because. any communication is impossible without a share of criticism. The people around him will be afraid to say anything "sharp" to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations of personal growth) will no longer reach his ears.

"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also "grows" from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person may deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where the opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the copier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: "it's not me who removed your disks, probably you removed it yourself and forgot!" interesting situation develops when the critic provides evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes bewilderment of others, and the label of "eccentrics" is attached to the deniers.

How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other "-power") people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to apply alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but "put" in place. The main tactics are:

• You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (albeit in a separate part), then admit it out loud, if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. Further discussion try to lead in a constructive way. If the conversation takes the form of a fight, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
• Be silent trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment that devalues ​​criticism. A silent pause at first will be your assistant: during it, you can pacify emotions and consider criticism.
• Answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
• Move the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
• Postponing the conversation for later to take the necessary "time out" for reflection. Sometimes you can say directly: "I need time to think about what you said, and we will return to this conversation later," and sometimes you can simply refer to "urgent" matters to get time.

"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, is silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to an accumulation of misunderstanding, because issues remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves, not releasing it back. This can lead to chronic diseases (hypertension, diseases gastrointestinal tract, vegetovascular dystonia). Silence, along with inner feelings, is one of the worst ways to react to criticism, literally "corroding" a person from the inside.

"Analysis". This is the most The right way reactions to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative response emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond to it correctly. Such a reaction helps a person to take the "rational grain" out of criticism and contributes.

If a calm analysis of criticism is the best way, then does this mean that all others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just have to stop being habitual and apply in appropriate situations.

Learning to respond to criticism correctly

The first ingredient in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, insecure, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:

• Try to deal with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to respond correctly. A good helper is the "dissociation" method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in the theater, and action is taking place on the stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
• Don't show emotion. Even if you failed to cope with emotions (and this happens when the negative is too strong, and even the blow fell on a sore spot), do not show it. If a person strove for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him that pleasure.
• Speak confidently. How controlled you are shows the tone of your voice. "Correct" phrases, uttered in a quiet, doubtful tone, will be regarded as an attempt to justify themselves. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.

The second component of the response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you manage your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him in response on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. The moment of rational analysis never arrives. And we need to learn how to turn our head on almost immediately.

First of all, you must determine how constructive criticism is, both in form and content. Because first of all, our emotions react to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you coped with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in criticism.

After evaluating criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to pondering the goals of the opponent, standing "behind" criticism. To clarify the motives, you can ask a direct question: "What do you want to achieve by telling me this?". Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, he, by criticizing you, is striving for his own goals, and sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where the criticism "legs grow from."

Assessing the constructiveness of criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important for you in this situation: to feel like a winner at all costs, or to maintain a relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important for us that we must definitely discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.

So, now you are ready to correctly evaluate the criticism directed at you and adequately respond. It may take a long time at first, and you will take a "silent pause", move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” in such a way that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructive criticism and goals of your opponent in half a minute.

Julia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the journal "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007

There are almost no lovers left in friendship - now we are all professionals. Writer Marina Rovner also knows how to be pleasant, to repeat words after you, to turn into a mirror in order to influence people. But she calls friendship other things and is ready to conduct a personal growth training on this topic.

AT modern world we invent new moral principles every day. Career technique books teach that we must be cunning, cunning, agile, and competitive at all hours of the day or night in order to achieve a goal (no matter what) and win (also, in general, it doesn’t really matter who). Yoga gurus say that in the Age of Aquarius, the most important thing is not to succeed, but to realize yourself as a person, find yourself and not lose again. Psychologists who make money on your fear of loneliness (which they support in you in every possible way!), Whisper that husbands, lovers and friends will always be happy to see you if you listen carefully, agree and not express your point of view. The best interlocutor is the one who listens well. Trying to combine all three programs is like having sex on silk underwear. It seems that the occupation is not unpromising, and the tasks are exciting, but try to relax and have fun if at the same moment your loved one wants to kiss you behind the ear, and your own butt departs without warning somewhere to distant lands, quickly gliding over smooth sheets.

And if at work our attempts to be good and bad at the same time are still somehow tolerated (if only because they themselves are busy with the same), then in their personal lives, complete confusion very quickly sets in. I'm not talking about a love personal life now - it is traditionally supposed to be a little unpredictable in it, although after the fifth year of marriage, you can begin to get rid of this romantic skill. I'm talking about friendship, poor female friendship, this is a modest, ridiculed flower that suffers most and most of all from social demands and throwing.

History first. Vika

My best friend Vika is very interested in fashion. Going shopping with her is a real torment. No, she does not act up, does not whine, does not use my credit card (except in extreme cases). Vika just always chooses things that are exceptionally unsuitable for her. She drags me with her as a support group, although I think that this is just a punishment for me for some unprecedented and terrible sins. And what? As a child, I stole barberries with the boys, and I still am not very ashamed.

I do my job poorly. Every time Vika tries on a dress at a sale (the most elaborate, the most expensive, even with a discount - it was not accidentally left hanging on a hanger), I should say: “Just great!” Actually, there is nothing great. She is thin as a stick - no waist, no breasts, no hips - and does not know how to walk in heels at all. In addition, having dressed up and painted her face under Khokhloma, Vika completely loses both her sense of humor and the ability to laugh. Her ideas of glamor and beauty are associated with deadly seriousness. She drew them from fashion magazines twenty years ago - then the models really did not smile either on the catwalk or in the studio. Now they are smiling, but Vika did not notice this trend. She wants to get married and is sure that the only way to do this is to look like in a magazine picture. Men, seeing her grave expression, are very frightened and disperse. I - as the best friend - remain.

I can’t tell Vika that the strange rags on which she spends everything she earns (and still owes a couple of banks forever) do not suit her - I can’t. Vika is truly my best friend. We have been friends since the age of five. It is too painful to say and hear such a truth (and we must be nice to those we love!). “You can’t cause unnecessary suffering to loved ones, you should only bring them your love,” psychotherapists rustle.

Vika comes out of the fitting room and looks at me - very seriously, expectantly. Just like she used to in the sandbox when she hit me on the head with a shovel. Then I fully justified Vika's expectations. "Stupid!" I told her, shaking sand out of my braids. "Your fool!" she beamed and rubbed the bruise respectfully. So, by the way, we became friends.

What am I doing?

I take a deep breath, but the saving "fool" closes my mouth like a wax seal. I can't tell my friend the truth. I am no longer five years old. I am an adult. I have to be nice. I stopped being a fool - my best friend too. Perhaps this is the saddest thing that has happened to us. But let me be nice now fashionable. The moment you don't bite off a man's head, you have to be nice to him. You can’t criticize, you need to say only pleasant things, to notice shortcomings is a crime, to praise virtues is the only way to gain peace and perfection. This ill-mixed okroshka of Buddhism, Dianetics, and Carnegie books is, unfortunately, surprisingly well absorbed by the body. NLP experts generally advise mirroring (that is, saying that you like the same thing as your interlocutor, take the same pose as the interlocutor, order the same thing in a restaurant as he does). If you do this, then your communication will be just perfect.

I give the same compliments to my best friend and the concierge - and that's wrong. The concierge is a complete stranger to me who can turn my life around in any direction she wants, so it makes more sense for me to be nice to her. But Vika is my best friend, and with my polite approval, she disfigures herself for her money. To be nice in such a situation is to betray, isn't it?

Summary

We fight too much at work to fight with friends too. As a result, all love, true and feigned, which certainly should have been more evenly distributed, falls on their heads. We so value microscopic grains of tenderness and warmth! The only way out, it seems to me, is to learn to distinguish between insults and constructive criticism. And teach it to your friends.

Insult is an invasion of someone else's space with the aim of destroying the integrity of the individual and causing pain to a person. This desire to humiliate, very often - for no reason. Constructive criticism is also an intrusion into the same painful area, but with other intentions - to help. Relatively speaking, to tell a friend that she is not in her rank and cannot afford to go to a spa hotel with you, because it is for the rich and famous, is one hundred percent rudeness. But taking Vika by the hand, shaking her out of her stupid dress and taking her to the department that sells jeans that fit her perfectly is already constructive criticism. And if I have the courage, then next time I will.

The second story. Asya

We became friends with Asya already adults - and this gives our relationship a special value, the value of a conscious choice. We are very similar - not outwardly, but in some important, turning points of fate, not even in the mind, but in character, and even our meeting was not accidental. We believe that someone for many years painstakingly brought us together, like two pieces, two stitches, without which a common ideal pattern is impossible. The external circumstances of our life coincided for a long time - we were what is called successfully married, we lived as spoiled cats in full prosperity, and our husbands, harsh people from their big business, adored us with cruel selflessness, about which we often complained to each other. The only difference was that I - despite my husband's persuasion - worked, nurturing my own independence, but Asya did not. But she had twin girls of puppet beauty, the most well-mannered and elegant in the world, and growing this flower garden was, of course, work too. Just different.

And then Asya fell in love - about a year before me, and I, comforting and persuading her, sending her 200 SMS a day, had no idea that in a few months I would bombard her with the same tears and words. Asya fell in love incredibly - she just lost her head, as they usually lose her when they don’t have it at all. Her chosen one, whom, by the way, I saw only once, briefly, was, from Asina's point of view, the best example of the human breed. Perhaps it was so, but I was very embarrassed that the best example did not work anywhere, living off odd jobs, because he wrote articles that no one published (for a forty-year-old man - a diagnosis, I would even say a sentence).

In general, I imagined Asya a year later - in a rented apartment, with a faded passion, dirty dishes, with a brilliant analyst and roaring twins in her arms, and most importantly - without the ability to work, without a long-term habit of stupidly getting up every morning and going somewhere, to follow the instructions of other people, often completely unsympathetic to you. There was a worse option - Asya's husband, a man with great opportunities and without the habit of turning his left or right cheek to someone, could easily leave the twins to himself.

What did I do?

I didn't let Asya get a divorce. Honestly, I never loved her husband, but I loved and love her very much. I turned inside out, I jumped through a burning hoop, argued, sobbed, I flew to her - thousands of kilometers away, I dragged her to me in Moscow. I will never forget how she sat in my kitchen, ash-gray, like linen, and I persuaded her to at least eat yogurt, and she looked straight ahead and repeated, as if wound up: “I love him, how can you not understand! I love him!" And I couldn't even cry. And that was the worst.

After a couple of months, everything didn’t hurt so much, after another three, Asya began to smile again, her old life slowly began to improve, the twins grew up, God knows how hard Asin’s husband survived it all. Almost a year passed before she thanked me. And just a month later, I fell in love with myself just the same. And, despite Asina's persuasion and arguments, she left her husband. Divorced. And she married another - with whom she is completely and incredibly happy. I did everything that Asya dreamed of, everything that I forbade her - and I did it in front of her eyes. And you won't believe she forgave me. That is, no, not like that: she understood me. Understand why I let myself do what I didn't let her, understand why I wasn't nice to her, maybe for the first time in my life. We are still very friendly. It still seems to me that there is no person in the world whom I understand better. To this day, I believe that I did what I should have done in the name of friendship.

Summary

All claims to female friendship boil down to the fact that it stops at the moment the competition begins. You might think that all boys are exceptionally noble dons who fall into a friendly ecstasy when they discover that a friend, sorry, has a penis 20 centimeters longer. Girls also know how to make friends - and they do it beautifully and selflessly. Just not around the clock. We can be nice to those we're friends with. And we can be cruel. The main thing is that we do not stop loving them. We need each other when we feel bad - and it is the severity of this "bad" that determines the whole value of female friendship.