Why are some people always late? How to deal with someone who is constantly late Why people are constantly late.

If you are late again and even criticized for it, do not worry too much. Turns out being late isn't such a bad thing. Experts have found that people who are often late have many positive traits. One of them is constant delays.

They tend to be optimistic and suffer less from stress.

You certainly know such a person. Perhaps this is your best friend who is simply unable to get anywhere on time, or perhaps you yourself. Anyway, we have good news for everyone who has problems with time management.

People who are late are less stressed, which is undoubtedly good for health, but they are also able to see the big picture and think outside the box. All these factors help latecomers achieve great success in their careers and prolong their lives.

Being late makes you an optimist

According to the author of the book " easy way stop being late” Diana De Lonzor: “Many latecomers tend to be optimistic and unrealistic at the same time. This also applies to their perception of time: they really believe that they can go for a run, pick up clothes from the dry cleaners, buy groceries, and drive the kids to school in an hour.

They remember that one bright day 10 years ago when they actually did all those things in 60 minutes, and they forget about all the other times when those same things took much, much longer.”

A positive attitude increases your chances of success

Metropolitan Life Insurance conducted a survey involving salespeople. It found that "the 10 percent of the most optimistic consultants sold 88 percent more products than the 10 percent of their most pessimistic counterparts." They did better because their approach was better.

People who are constantly late are more enthusiastic

People who are disorganized or often late tend to be enthusiastic. According to the Enneagram Institute, enthusiasts' weaknesses are "excessiveness, distraction, and indiscipline," but their strengths include "extroversion, spontaneity, energy, and playfulness."

They really feel the passage of time in a different way.

Jeff Conte, an associate professor of psychology at the University of San Diego, came up with interesting results in his research. His team experimented with Type A (competitive, impatient) and Type B (relaxed, creative) personalities. Latecomers fell into category B.

The researchers asked participants in both groups to guess, exactly one minute later, how much time had passed. Members of group A, on average, answered that 58 seconds had passed, while people in group B thought that 77 seconds had passed. Obviously, these people literally feel that there is more time than it actually is.

“So if you have an 18-second gap … over time, this difference will make itself felt,” Conte explained in an interview with The Wall Street Journal.

Multitasking people also perceive time more slowly

Jeff Conte also conducted an experiment involving 181 New York subway operators. His research showed that operators who frequently multi-tasked were late more often than their counterparts.

They often become completely immersed in what they are doing and forget about time.

Think about that friend of yours who is always late. Does he or she have a wide social circle and too many hobbies? According to Lifehack.org, people often become late because they are "absorbed into another exciting or extremely interesting activity" that seems to put them in the "other zone."

They don't make a scene because other people are late because they see the big picture.

Minute lateness doesn't bother Type B people (those who are relaxed and creative, from an experiment by Jeff Conte). In such cases, they think that if they are not bothered by the lateness of others, there is nothing wrong with them being a few minutes late themselves (which, perhaps, is not the case).

They are more spontaneous

Due to the laid-back nature of Type B, latecomers don't worry too much about flights, trains, or hotel reservations. They "simply throw things into a suitcase and go out, deciding where to eat and sleep along the way, because it's so much more interesting," writes Lifehack.org.

And they have more money problems

“People who are late but genuinely want to quit tend to want to be more mindful, but they live in the moment and find it difficult to save money for the future,” says Alfie Kohn, author of books on pedagogy, parenting and human behavior, in interview with the American journal Psychology Today.

Some people "can't force themselves to be on time," which means they may "have trouble making themselves behave in other areas, like saving money or avoiding junk food."

They like to break rules and achieve goals

Latecomers never follow instructions, act like everyone else, and don't fully trust Google Map calculations. This means they think outside the box, which makes them capable of solving problems in unusual - and often better - ways.

According to De Lonzor, there are two types of people: "deadliners" and "producers." Deadliners are "unconsciously drawn to the adrenaline that comes with running to the finish line," while "producers' self-esteem grows from being able to get as many things done in as short a time as possible."

They are less likely to become patients of cardiologists

A study published in the International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology in 2003 found that type A people have a higher risk of developing coronary heart disease. The reason for this is the higher level of stress they face. People who worry less about getting things done on time are more likely to avoid stress-related illnesses.

Lilia Ilyushina

Have you been late? For sure. At least once in a lifetime, each of us has been let down by an alarm clock, transportation, or our own lack of concentration. However, there are people who are late constantly, chronically. And it's not about "traffic jams" or lack of discipline. Psychologists believe that systematic delays are often of a subconscious nature and bring some hidden benefit to the latecomer. In a word, if we are late, it means that we need it for some reason. Why?

I protest!

Imagine this situation: a person is late for work every day, while in other cases he is punctual. That is, on dates, to the theater or to the station - he comes on time, but never to work. The conclusion suggests itself: so maybe something does not suit him at this very job? And he unconsciously resists her, trying to somehow delay the "terrible hour."

Even Sigmund Freud noticed that patients were always late for an appointment with him just when, in the process of psychotherapy, they had to remember something unpleasant or even terrible about themselves. The psyche began to protect itself from negative emotions, and the client immediately had a bunch of "excuses" that allowed him to cancel a visit to a psychoanalyst or, at least, to be late.

In the popular TV series The Big Bang Theory, the following dialogue once took place between the characters:

Sorry I'm late.

Something happened?

No, I just didn't want to come.

Yes, sometimes we really don’t want to go somewhere: to work, home, a business meeting, visiting relatives ... But we try not to grumble, not to be indignant, and yet we trudge to a disgusted service, on a date with someone who is I don’t like it at all or for the next anniversary of a grumpy aunt. Because "that's how it should be." But, no matter how hard we try to come to terms with the inevitable, our subconscious mind continues to resent and protest. And we continue to be late.

Feast of Disobedience

Another category of chronically latecomers are people who, in childhood, experienced the pressure of overly demanding parents. Sometimes, trying to embrace the immensity and raise a “diversified person”, dad and mom send their child to several circles and sections at once, which literally deprive him of his childhood.

Constantly hearing in his address: “You must!”, “Do not let you down!”, “Get together!”, such a child can grow into a perfectionist - a hyper-responsible, disciplined adult who is used to always doing everything perfectly. But even the "eternal excellent student" must sometimes relieve stress and relax. At the moment of fatigue, a rebel can wake up in his soul. He won’t go “breakaway” in a big way - he’s not used to it. But being late can become a small outlet for such a person, his personal “holiday of disobedience”.

If parents go too far and discipline too harshly, their child can grow into a person who will violently resist any attempt to limit his freedom. Living according to a schedule in childhood, in their adult life, such people will in every way avoid any pressure, resist any rules and frameworks. And, of course, they will never arrive anywhere on time.

“He made himself respect…”

Another reason is the desire to feel indispensable and power over other people. "They won't start without us!" and "Let the whole world wait" - phrases from the repertoire of those who like to assert themselves at someone else's expense.

To make oneself wait means to force those who are waiting to worry, worry, feel insecure. And finally, here it is - the spectacular appearance of our hero. He came, he saw, he freed me from tedious waiting and ... enjoyed his power over other people's attention and time.

This type of behavior is often demonstrated by officials and bosses of all stripes. Moreover, the smaller the boss, the less of himself he is, the more shamelessly he steals someone else's time. It is understandable - a professional, self-sufficient, self-confident person does not need to play all these games.

By the way, girls who are regularly late for dates are sometimes guided by similar motives. Their thoughts and feelings were expressed by Marilyn Monroe, who once said: “To be late means to make sure that you are expected. Just you and no one else. Know that you are irreplaceable.

And further…

In fact, there are a great many internal, psychological reasons why people are late, you can’t list them all. Let's briefly mention a few more.

For example, inability to say "no". Remember the hero of the film "Autumn Marathon" Buzykin. Conflict-free and trouble-free, incapable of offending a person, he was literally torn between his wife and mistress. I also tried to please the mediocre colleague for whom I translated the text. And a foreign professor with whom I had to run in the morning. And even to a neighbor - a drunkard, with whom he went mushroom picking and “thought small”, without having the slightest desire for it ... Is it any wonder that this soft, delicate and, frankly, spineless person was late all the time?

Another reason comes from childhood is waiting anxiety. And Rina, 34 years old:“It’s better to be late than to wait for someone. Waiting makes me terribly nervous, to the point of panic! Especially if the meeting is very important to me. Once, in a conversation with a psychologist, I accidentally touched on this topic. The psychologist asked if I had any traumatic situations in my childhood associated with waiting. And I remembered that kindergarten I was often the last to be taken away. Of course, it was not very pleasant: I felt abandoned, unnecessary ... But so many years have passed since then, I seem to have forgotten to even think about it. But it turned out that my today's anxieties are rooted in kindergarten ... "

Often make you wait and lovers thrill . There are people who are so accustomed to living in constant tension, in a situation of time trouble, that when their life flows too calmly and measuredly, something is missing for them. Covers boredom and despondency. In order to feel “alive”, such a person needs an adrenaline rush. If you can’t urgently make a parachute jump or go to conquer a mountain peak, you can get by with a small thing: get out of the house back to back and start running with obstacles or big races through the streets of the city. Adrenaline rises, life boils again, and our hero is chronically late.

What to do with it?

How to stop being late? You will definitely not answer this question. As already mentioned, all of the listed reasons for being late are psychological, deep, hidden. The person is usually unaware of them. They lie in our subconscious, in our inner world, and have nothing to do with laziness or disorganization. Therefore, advice from the series: "Plan your time", "Get enough sleep", "Set the clock 20 minutes ahead" - will not help here. No matter how much you study time management, you will not change the situation until you understand yourself. Only by realizing the reason for your delays, you will start to arrive on time.

Ask yourself: Where am I most likely to be late? Why am I doing this? What do my delays give me? What are my needs? How can the situation be changed?

Think of those who are waiting for you

Imagine yourself in the place of the person who is waiting for you. What does he feel? Maybe irritation, resentment, anxiety, regret about the lost time? Keep all of this in mind as you prepare for the meeting. Maybe it will give you a boost?

If you understand that you are not on time, tell the person waiting that you are late. So at least the person will not worry about the fact that something happened. Or, instead of hanging around the subway for half an hour, go to a bookstore and spend time to good use.

Knowing about your "cute" feature, it is better to warn about it in advance: "I have a difficult relationship with time, but I will do my best to be on time." Who is forewarned is armed (with a newspaper or a crossword puzzle).

If you are late

Why is some other person (not you) constantly late and how can he stop doing this? We, perhaps, will not be able to answer these questions - it is not worth even trying. Here and in yourself you don’t know how to figure out what to say about someone else’s soul? Darkness ... Therefore, we will focus on other issues:

1) Why are people late to me?

2) How to make it so that I didn’t suffer too much because of someone else’s lack of punctuality?

If your acquaintances are systematically late for you, think about what is in you or your behavior that allows them to do this? Are you good at setting boundaries? Do you value your time? Have you allowed someone to sit comfortably on your neck?

You might want to try setting some sort of waiting time limit for yourself, like 15 minutes. After which, the next time you, with a calm mind - no offense, telephone abuse and showdown - go about your business. Maybe after that, others will begin to treat you more attentively.

How to make sure that these 15-20-30 minutes are not wasted? Keep them busy with something useful. If you constantly peer into the crowd at the subway, or stand waiting at the window, these minutes will seem like an eternity to you! When arranging a meeting, it is better to choose a place where it will be comfortable to wait - not an underpass blown by all the winds, but in a coffee shop or a square with benches. And, of course, it’s good to have a magazine or book on hand for such a case.

If we want to change something in our lives, we need to not only understand what is happening to us, but also take responsibility for it. Constant excuses: “The traffic jams are to blame for everything”, “I stopped to chat with my neighbor, but you can’t get rid of her” - this is an attempt to make someone else to blame. Not yourself! So, immature people are always looking for the “extreme”, you constantly hear from them: “I didn’t want to, but ...”, “I was forced to ...”, “if it weren’t for him, then I ...” Mature personalities don’t say and don’t do that . And this applies not only to being late, but to all the actions that we perform in our lives.

Being late, not showing up at all or “for a good reason,” showing up two hours late or at the end of the entire event is one way to present your aggression. Only not directly, not openly, but in a hidden, veiled way.

People are waiting, angry, worrying, wasting their time, are in limbo, everyone’s nerves are on edge, they are counting on you ... You disrupt meetings, negotiations, you are late for your best friend’s birthday, you show up at the end of the event. And when you come, present a “good reason” - a traffic jam, a sick child, an urgent job that suddenly fell down, a broken nail, or “just forgot”.

Those you're late to see want to kill you. And the latecomer innocently blinks his eyes, laments and nods at the imperfection of the world and his impossibility to get there, to get there on time. And he is very offended when he is rightly accused of being late. “It's not me, it's the world. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

Here it is hidden aggression - a person does something nasty, some kind of aggressive attack, but does not take responsibility for it. And often sincerely does not understand what is happening. He tries, he gets ready, he does everything possible, but the space is organized in such a way that cars break down, the Internet turns off, computers freeze, children get sick, bosses call, customers go crazy and everything possible happens that you can’t get there, arrive on time or at all.

It's like the whole world is against it... it's not really the world against it, it's me.

The first step is to bring back into awareness your true feelings about the subject of your tardiness. Not the ones you want to experience, but the ones you actually experience.

It could be fear.
“I don't want to come because I'm afraid. What I'm afraid of is the tenth thing. You never know, but I'm afraid.”

Anxiety.
“I don’t like all this…”

Anger.
“They are all jerks and goats. You have to go, but only idiots have gathered ... ”

Contempt.
“Nothing, they’ll wait… Tea, not gentlemen…”

Envy.
“Well, again they will be so smart sitting there, successful, successful .. And I will feel like a fool, a fool ...”

Loss of meaning.
“Really, it’s just a waste of time. A completely pointless formal meeting. For check. You have to go, but what nonsense to go there!”

Magically, when awareness occurs, the clouds dissipate, and the world no longer plays tricks. You can acknowledge your true feelings and choose to walk or not walk. If so, under what conditions. Reclaiming responsibility works wonders.

This does not mean that everything is under control, and there is no force majeure in life. happens. but if being late is the norm for you, then this is no longer a force majeure, but your way of interacting with the world and people.

For which you read your anxieties, embarrassment, fears, envy, fears, contempt and shame. There is a lot of hidden aggression in this method. You can guess about it not only by your feelings, if you are frank with yourself, but also by the reaction of the people around you.

Usually people are very unhappy when someone does not fulfill obligations, violates time limits, destroys their plans. And even if they try not to show it to you, you feel it.

Time is a certain border that a person will define for himself, and the violation of this border is perceived as barbarism, vandalism, invasion and destruction, violation of my rules, conditions, borders, agreements. The destruction of my world, the violation of my laws and external conditions.

Violation of temporal boundaries, as well as violation of any other boundaries of the personality - spatial and physical, gives rise to reciprocal aggression. The need for boundaries is one of the basic, meta-human needs. These are human needs that are always there and do not depend on anything.
Other meta-needs include the need for security, closeness, and interaction.

This means that if you jeopardize, for example, the financial security of a person - do not fulfill obligations, violate agreements, do not pay bills, then they will be very angry with you.

One of the methods of hidden aggression is not to repay debts or not pay what is your responsibility to pay.

to be in time, as well as in contact with one's obligations, means taking back responsibility for one's actions and decisions. regain your maturity and freedom. get out of the role of a “victim of circumstances” and a child who cannot miss school, therefore he lies, skips and gets sick.

Now you are an adult, and the decision is yours.

P.S. I have a suggestion for you - explore your nature of being late.

• How does it happen for you?
• What are your delays?
• Where does the “click” happen and you fall out of time?
• What is the most difficult moment of the training camp for you?
• What's where you're going?
• What is there that scares you, repels you, causes anxiety?
• What are you “resisting”? What are you trying to pull off?

Take a few days for this job. Watch yourself. What seemed to be “an irresistible force of fate” or “an individual personal inability to be on time” will be revealed to you in a new light. Your own mechanism and the motives behind it will come out of hiding. If then you want, you can change it. published

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

Everyone knows such a person: the parent who is always late because of his child; the colleague who never makes it to the deadline; a friend whom you need to tell to arrive half an hour before the appointed time. There are very few things that can be as annoying as being late. But when you are waiting for the next person who is late, you hardly think about the reasons, assuming that this person is simply selfish. Not the best personality characteristic, as, for example, anxiety syndrome. However, if you become familiar with the psychology of being late, you can look into a brain that is not functioning properly.

No, people who are late are not rude or lazy.

The perception of non-punctual people is almost always negative, but not always correct. "It's very easy to perceive them as disorganized, chaotic, rude and not caring about others," said Harriet Mellott, a cognitive behavioral therapist and clinical psychologist. “Outside of my clinical practice, late people can really annoy me.” However, many people who are late are more or less organized and also want their friends, relatives and bosses to be happy.

Such people are most often aware of their lack, as well as the damage it can do to their relationships, reputations, careers and finances, and they are very ashamed of it. “Although there are those who enjoy keeping the typical punctual person waiting, who does not tolerate lateness and considers them his worst enemy,” writes Diane DeLonzor in her book It’s Never Too Late.

Excuses, excuses

Some excuses, especially in matters of extreme lateness, are accepted almost everywhere, such as an accident or illness. However, other excuses are not so easy to accept. Some people who are late try to pass it off as a sign that they are thinkers and are preoccupied with finer matters than the need to be on time.

They may also pass it off as their own unique personality trait or write it off as being "night owls". Joanna, a London-based teacher who didn't want her last name to be listed, said a reputation for being always late can sometimes be built up because of differences of opinion. “A friend can invite me over by telling me to come any time after seven,” she said. “But if I come at eight, he will already be annoyed.”

You are your own worst enemy

People who tend to be constantly late have a bizarre desire to get the better of themselves. In 2015, public speaker Tim Urban spoke about this. He even defined them as COSL, or "chronically late crazy people." Of course, lateness can have a large number of different reasons, but the source of most of them is still the person himself. For example, it could be the expectation that you might be late, or even too much attention to detail.

For Joanna, for example, the most frustrating experience is writing school reports. "I never set a deadline and it looks like I don't care," she explained. - I think over the reports for many weeks and give all my best in order to give a competent and competent assessment to each student. But the fact that I turn in these reports later cancels out all my efforts.” Mellott, in turn, said that for some, being late is a consequence of very poor general mental health or neurological diseases.

Fix your brain and don't be late?

Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in private practice, said that persistent tardiness may be due to the problem of being obsessed with having to think things through. Simply put, the procrastinator focuses on the fear that accompanies an event or due date that he is late for. Instead of trying to figure out how to overcome the fear, the person turns the fear into an excuse, which is usually followed by a "but" part of the sentence.

For example, you might say to yourself, "I wanted to make it to this event, but I couldn't decide what to wear... I started writing an article, but I thought my colleagues would think it wasn't good enough..." The important thing is, what comes after the word "but". She recommends that her clients change "but" to "and". "But" shows opposition and blocking, while "and" shows connection and solution. As a result, the task ceases to be impossible, and fear ceases to be an obstacle.