Whom they don't marry. Letter

Dear Nikandr Andreevich,

I received your letter and immediately knew that it was from you. At first I thought
that it was suddenly not from you, but as soon as I printed it out, I immediately realized that it was from
you, and then I thought that it was not from you. I'm glad you got married
because when a man marries the one he wanted to marry, then
It means he got what he wanted. And I'm very glad that you got married,
because when a person marries the one he wanted, it means that he
got what he wanted. Yesterday I received your letter and immediately thought that
this letter is from you, but then I thought that it seems that it is not from you, but
I printed it out and I see - just from you. You did a very good job of writing to me.
At first I did not write, and then suddenly I wrote, although even earlier, before
I didn't write for a while - I also wrote. I immediately received your letter,
I immediately decided that it was from you, and therefore I am very glad that you are already married. A
then, if a person wants to marry, then he must by all means
marry. Therefore, I am very glad that you finally married exactly the one whom
and wanted to get married. And he did a very good job of writing to me. I am very
I was delighted when I saw your letter, and immediately even thought that it was from you.
True, when I printed it out, the thought flashed through that it was not from you, but
then, after all, I decided that it was from you. Thank you for writing. Thank you
you for it and very happy for you. You may not know why I
I'm so happy for you, but I'll tell you right away that I'm happy for you because
you married, and exactly the one you wanted to marry. And, you know, it's very
it is good to marry exactly the one you want to marry, because then
you are getting exactly what you want. That's why I'm so happy for you.
And also glad that you wrote me a letter. I decided from afar that
a letter from you, but when I took it in my hands, I thought: what if it’s not from you? And then
I think: yes no, of course from you. I print the letter myself and at the same time
I think: from you or not from you? Well, as I printed it, I see that it is from you.
I was very happy and decided to write you a letter too. Need a lot
say, but literally no time. What I managed to do, I wrote to you in this letter, and
I'll write the rest later, but now I don't have time at all. Okay, at least
Least you wrote me a letter. Now I know that you have been married for a long time. I
and from previous letters I knew that you were married, but now I see again - completely
right, you got married. And I am very glad that you got married and wrote me a letter. I
as soon as I saw your letter, I decided that you were married again. Well I guess
it's good that you got married again and wrote me a letter about it. Write me
Now, who is your new wife and how did it all come about. Say hello to your new
wife.

Why do people meet, love each other, and then, unexpectedly for everyone, including themselves, break up? They part in different ways - and in a good way, remaining good friends for life, and with scandals ... What do we expect from each other, from our relationship? The views of men and women on these difficult issues, unfortunately, do not coincide ... Regular contributor talks about these difficult areas Lady. Pravda. RuLisa Peterkin.

The life of a writer is a strange phenomenon, because in it any everyday episode can turn into material for creativity, and you never know at what moment inspiration will take you by surprise and destroy your entire planned schedule.

As soon as I finished writing the next chapter of the book and thought about what the next chapter would be about, the phone rang. My old friend, with whom I communicate no more than once a year, this time motivated his call with a strange dream, with me in the lead role. The dream was absolutely not pornographic, rather philosophical. The eyes of the main character were sad, as if she was parting with someone. I want to note that my friend was completely unaware of my creative plans and had no idea how close the word "parting" was to the theme of my current creations. Seminar "Energy Therapy - ambulance for the wounds of love" has already taken shape in content. Perhaps one detail was missing, like a cherry on a cake - feedback from men, their opinions on the topic under discussion. And - voila!

If it were some other friend, I would be surprised, but this respected man has been studying the topic of energy-information exchange for decades and even actively practiced working with energy. Therefore, amazing insight simply confirmed my guess about the spiritual connection and energy attunement, which does not collapse over the years. Who, if not this man, should have become a lawyer for the male side, if one of the readers is at the stage of blaming all the men of the world for their mental illnesses.

I will allow myself to retell the position of my friend, based on the notes made during the telephone conversation. Here are the highlights of that conversation.

Three male wisdom

Wisdom first. “You only need to marry those women who, if anything, are not afraid to divorce. You know what happens after a breakup? They also believe that men are traitors, and they are victims. And even the most highly spiritual young ladies who seemed to be the guardians of morality while you lived with them, suddenly turn into witches and begin to take revenge. And this revenge becomes terrible and sometimes gets out of control. You know how hard it is to recognize that she is not just you hates, and even curses and wishes you death?! And this is the same woman who swore love to you! I enter into a relationship in love and part - also in love. But in such situations, women have to be saved from themselves, because they don’t know what they are doing. It turns out that she needs to kill me so that she won’t be offended that I didn’t marry her. In such cases, you have to save a woman from herself, because in this state she does not realize that creates and how dangerous the consequences of her hatred for her and for her loved ones.

Wisdom is the second."The most difficult thing in such a situation is to help without swaying the energy balance, in other words, without empathizing. As soon as you feel sorry for her, you immediately begin to adapt to the crazy one. This is an inevitable resonance! Until the resonance has arisen, there is some security. What seems coldness is actually nothing more than an attempt to maintain balance. "

Wisdom the third."I am convinced that you need to part only for love. If you part in a state of hatred, the situation is like pulling on suspenders - then they hit you with terrible force."

Three female delusions, from the point of view of a man

Her first delusion is the desire to remain friends.“I can be her friend because I love her. She is my friend, and I am her enemy. And my name for her forever is He-Who-Not-Married. There can be no question of any friendship if a simple human spiritual love has not arisen between a man and a woman.

The second misconception is the belief that the man is to blame for everything.“A typical female mistake is to put all the responsibility for the conflict on a man and the desire to make him feel guilty, and then pump out energy according to the principle “From a black sheep even a tuft of wool.” For example, once I took her home and listened silently to her accusations all the way. And when we drove up to the entrance, I calmly asked if I should take her to the apartment. a maniac was not waiting for her at the entrance, it was quite light and safe there. But an attempt to impose on me the feeling that I offended her best feelings is very unpleasant. "

The third misconception is disbelief in the effectiveness of "peace talks".“How many times have I told her: “Let’s sit next to each other and talk instead of radiating negative energy. You will tell me how you loved me, what you expected from me and what you did not receive. And I'll tell you what I expected from you and didn't get. Then the picture of our relationship will be more complete. "But no, she is not ready to talk, she is angry again, and negotiations become impossible. It's a pity! Expressing your feelings and being able to be heard is very important. Even if you decide to leave, this will help parting become a beautiful end to a love story. "

Three men's advice to a woman going through a crisis in a relationship with a man

Tip one. "Leave the excessive demands. It is the requirements, not the needs. Men's logic is this: even if you give a woman everything that she requires, it is not a fact that you will receive in return exactly what you yourself need as a man.

Tip two."Be water. Often, harmony in relations with a woman is based on a man's ability to endure her whims, accept her as she is, indulge her whims, put up with her shortcomings, that is, in fact, flow around her "sharp corners" and gradually "smooth the surface." But this is a property of Yin energy, feminine qualities. Then next to her I stop feeling like a man.

Tip three."Do not repeat the same mistakes, try to learn from your own experience. If women understood where their place was, and men understood what their task was, there would be no problems. But we repeat the same mistakes. The Vedas say: "You chew already chewed." Development in relationships is the use and processing of new information, learning new skills. "

And now I will tell you the most important thing. This masculine thought seemed to me a real treasure, shedding light on some of the causes of conflicts between men and women.

"Men's wishes in relation to women can be denoted by the abbreviation UZI - "comfort", "care" and "interest". Male qualities that are highly valued by women can be denoted by other three letters ZOV - "protection", "providing", "attention".

My dear friends! I think it makes sense to listen to this message.

Very often, a girl meets a guy for a long time, dreams of marriage, waits for an offer, and then finds out that he will marry another. How is it that a man meets with one, and creates a family with another? Who do men marry, and who do they only meet, and why does this happen? What's the secret?

You can immediately say that in order to do this, the man had his own motives. Clearly he didn't love you. That is, for some time he was fine with you, but this was not enough to create a family.

Now that “civil marriages” have come into fashion, that is, you can live like a husband and wife without a stamp in your passport, men most often prefer not to tie themselves to legal relationships, but to seize the moment, since it is possible.

When and with whom does a man decide to enter into legal marriage?

- For love. Then, wanting to spend his whole life next to his beloved, he makes her a marriage proposal.

- “After flying”, wanting to legitimize the child. But there is no guarantee that the marriage will last long.

- By calculation. Wanting to get material benefits or useful acquaintances thanks to his wife.

- Because of blackmail. If the future bride has the necessary information or other motivation, and the man chooses the "lesser of evils."

- When he believes that it is time to settle down and there is a suitable candidate for a future wife.

- When you need to get married for some objective reasons (for example, you need to be married in order to get a job, a business trip, a residence permit).

So, if the man you were counting on, after all, does not marry you, then you were not so dear to him that it was impossible to exchange you for another. Here you can say that you are lucky. Because living for years with a person who does not appreciate you is torture. In a few months of such a marriage, the veil will fall from your eyes, and you yourself will want to get a divorce, if you are not stupid.

Worse, if you think that you love him and want to return. But, firstly, this is no longer love, but a sense of ownership (how could you, such a clever and beautiful woman, have taken a peasant away!) And stubbornness. Secondly, if you return it, it is not a fact that he will not exchange you for another again. Why spoil your life with an unfaithful man? You're not a masochist, are you?

From this we can conclude who men marry:

- on beloved women;

- on "profitable" brides;

- on bitches;

- on "comfortable" women.

What category do you want to belong to? Of course, to your loved ones. But the happiness of being truly loved, unfortunately, is not given to every woman. Not everyone can be “profitable” either, especially since it can help you get married, but not necessarily become happy. In order to be a bitch, you need an appropriate character. But the fact that a bitch is always happy is an erroneous opinion that exists among women. In fact, such a girl is deeply unhappy, most often lonely and angry at everyone. He just does not show it and walks with his head held high in order to arouse a feeling of envy in others. And according to men, living with her is like living in a terrarium with a cobra.

And the last option is "a comfortable woman." It sounds like something offensive, but what is it really? It can be convenient with a kind and understanding woman. Who will always sympathize and help, will be there and give confidence that you are the head of the family. It is convenient with a good hostess, who will turn the house into a cozy hearth, always feed deliciously, and the man will always be clean and well-groomed. It is convenient with a sweet, charming woman who will not strive to take the place of a leader in the family, but will become a true friend and ally. It is convenient with a woman who will turn a blind eye to some male weaknesses. Perhaps, then you can continue to list yourself who can be called a “convenient” wife. And not every option will be offensive.

Dima, an average Moscow businessman, middle-aged - forty-six years old, unremarkable in appearance (a sort of classic good Jewish boy), a womanizer and, pardon the details, a pervert, is now in the active stage of a divorce. Either the seventh, or the eighth in my memory. And we have known each other for ten years, no more.

Over the years, I don’t remember a single marriage of his that lasted more than three or four months. True, he says that he lived with his first wife for no less than four years ... But only now his parents introduced Dima to his first wife, and with a threat: try, child, don’t get married ...

Since then, his life has been an ongoing Groundhog Day. Marriage - divorce, marriage - divorce, marriage - divorce ... And the problem is not that women run away from him, no. It is simply impossible to run away from Dima. This slightly stooped brunette with dark undereyes surrounds with attention and care, manages to create around an aura of love and an off-scale "mimimeter" of worship, and it is almost impossible to break out of this sticky cocoon.

I experienced it on my own skin. Suffering from misunderstanding and toxicosis, squishing into the phone with a red nose and sobbing incessantly, I told him what kind of bastard I still had, Dear and Beloved, I got caught ... Within a few hours, Dimochka, who had landed in a swift march to our editorial office, carefully dabbed my swollen eyes with a napkin and, to the great horror of the editor-in-chief, with lamentations tried to feed super-delicious yogurt om with cries: "Stop roaring, it's bad for you!"

You understand, only an absolute fool will refuse such a man. Even if we take into account his terrible pedantry and love of order (although is this a drawback?).

But what makes him run to the registry office with suspicious regularity? Moreover, the result of these campaigns is quite predictable: either another fifa, which will then have to be attached, or an unfortunate princess who definitely needs to find the next prince!

Why get married if you get divorced anyway? - I asked Dima more than once, and in response I always received an indefinite shrug of the shoulders and a vague:

- Well, so ... it turns out!

Only once did he honestly admit:

- I want a home, family, comfort

His warmest memories are about his first wife, who, despite her youth, was oriented towards this most notorious house and comfort, the worst about her second. The first one was a bit skewed and clumsy, the second looked amazing at that time ... But she had a calling as an actress, and her life was full of bohemian simplicity!

Result? For many years, Dima, albeit partially, but ripe for a family, makes the same mistake, chooses women who do not need a family. A husband is needed, but a family is not.

However, I noted not in vain: partially ripe. Dimka needs a wife, not a family. He needs one that will create comfort and coziness for him. In return, she will receive a cocoon of adoration, a solution to financial difficulties and ... everything. There will be no understanding or any other beautiful and subtle manifestations of intimacy. He is responsive, open, friendly… but all this is standard! And it is the same for all females who fell into the circle of his interest.

By the way, on this far from a major note, you can end the story, making a completely logical and correct conclusion.

Modern men, not placed in the strict framework of the need for marriage as early as possible in order to provide the family with heirs, make a marriage proposal sincerely only when they are psychologically ripe for it.

The problem is that this psychological maturation occurs for everyone at different ages. There are, probably, such individuals who, even at twenty, are ready to take responsibility quite consciously. And there are those who can’t walk up even at fifty, while broadcasting to society the postulates that there are no women worthy of a wedding ring, only greedy and vile eaters of money ... (Here I can’t help but sigh, oh, if they had these notorious money in those quantities that it’s not a shame to hunt ... Well, okay.)

You can finish. But we still have the second part of the question open: who are these unique ones marrying, finally ripe for a family?

I urgently interviewed four friends who have been happily married for a long time. I expected to receive answers like “I got married because I am beautiful”, “Because I love”, and you never know what else.

Oddly enough, all four answered almost the same:

“I realized that she and I would make a normal family.

Everyone came to this conclusion in different ways.

“My boyfriend,” husband Vitaly described his wife. Vitalka is thirty-seven. He plows like Papa Carlo, earning with both his brain and his hands. "My boyfriend" - twenty-nine. She looks like a guy just like Dolph Lundgren looks like a Spanish ballerina. “His boyfriend” has blond curls to the buttocks, tiny body height and a squeaky voice. If someone dares to threaten the interests of her Vitalik, she will bite him, tear him, swallow him and not spit out the bones. “With her, in fact, became “my house is my fortress,” the happy husband boasted.

“With her, the house became a home,” Andrey replied romantically. He is forty-two and has been married for ten years. You know, he has a lot of opportunities to have a dozen mistresses, in our provinces such men are loved and appreciated. And to change one old wife for two younger ones - just spit. And for many years he returns home to a woman whose appearance is far from model and whose age has crossed the terrible milestone of the forties. She is five years older than him!

“With Tanya, I can be myself,” admitted Vladik (he is thirty-four).

- She's good for me. Cozy. I immediately understood: I won’t find it better, I need to grab it, ”Pyotr Vasilyevich, the “oldest” of all those interviewed, sparingly boasted. He is - scary to say - fifty-six. And married neither more nor less than thirty-four years. Impressive?

Did you notice one ma-a-scarlet feature? None of them spoke of great and bright love, but all the answers simply shouted: it is with her that I feel comfortable, good and comfortable

Men, even matured, even taking their responsibility for loved ones for granted, they are still children. Big kids. They are looking for someone with whom they will be psychologically comfortable. The one that will be close to them in spirit, thoughts, level. The one that itself is quite mature and responsible for the idea of ​​a family, and not just cohabitation.

By the way, this has been known for a long time. No wonder women's magazines are full of advice on the topic "How to get a man to marry if he is not ready for marriage." The problem is that these tips boil down to only one thing - to create the appearance of readiness. Your readiness. So that he finally understands and urgently matured.

Determine what your chosen one needs, and give it to him - ladies' gloss advises. Nonsense. They will not lead to anything good, only to their own burnout and disappointment.

For a snack, I’ll tell you three stories from the “Define and Give” series.

Maya, a very successful artist who worked part time as a print designer for children's clothing, got to know one of the clients closely. A young man, the owner of a children's brand, treated his nephews with quivering tenderness.

Their romance lasted more than two years, but there were no marriage proposals. And then Maya decided on a very mean move. Well, as I decided - they advised me at one well-known ladies' forum. She stopped taking pills, and after a few months she announced: voila, dear, you will soon become a dad

Dear, he blushed and turned pale, squeezing out of himself: “Well, la-a-a-adno, if you don’t want an abortion, then go to the registry office.” Maya was happy, confident that everything would work out. Divorce, as usual, was not far off. The young spouse did not want to be a spouse at all, and love for children - in his case, for nephews - did not guarantee, as it turned out, complete and absolute love of children. His own baby annoyed him ...

Or here is Sveta, my age. After four years of "relationship" I realized: either now or never. She was this "married" was a light bulb, roughly speaking. Family life did not appeal to the word "completely." But relatives in a tragic whisper asked "when?" every time I saw Svetka with a gentleman, and she, the poor thing, threw herself at the embrasure with her chest.

She moved to a bachelor's apartment, cleaned it and licked it (although throughout her life she believed that the dust becomes invisible if you simply draw the thick curtains), with the desperate courage of a sailor Koshka, she stood at the stove, ruining beauty in the field of struggle for high-calorie dinners ...

Comrade man ... Well, the man bought himself, what is there. Guys, they are like children. They feel good, comfortable, and to hell with him that he did not want to get married for four years, but for borscht, but with donuts, and garlic ...

In general, they divorced six months later, throwing slippers and tomatoes at each other.

- A slob and a lazybones! shouted a man lured into borscht and socks.

- Lazy and satrap! yelled Svetka, indignant that the betrothed-mummer did not change her at the stove even after stamping her passports.

Anna, the mother of a sweet, fat-cheeked baby, had the hardest time of all. We got along with her, walking the younger generation. Anna is in her early thirties, and thanks to her marriage, she has no interests of her own left. Friends, girlfriends, by the way, also did not remain.

She bought into the advice to imbue the life of her future spouse. Become his vest, pillow, psychiatrist and confessor all rolled into one. Do not burden yourself with your problems and worries.

Do I need to add that very soon hatred took the place of falling in love, and now Anya lives with the thought: a little more, and I will get divorced? And wife Anina, by the way, is not so bad with her. To her proposals to discuss everything and change something, he makes big eyes:

"Honey, we're fine!"

It would still be bad, so-and-so. He didn't really need a marriage. He found an outlet for himself, which is always there, and why lose it (this outlet)?

I am a bad publicist and journalist. Perhaps I should have written a list of the exact signs by which you can determine whether a man is getting married or not. And the actions that are necessary for him to marry exactly the one who wants to marry him.

But, watching my friends and buddies, having myself run away to the registry office more than once, I will honestly say: there are no exact signs and there are no proven methods. One that will lead to a marriage that is not on earth, but in heaven. In which you can live your whole life happily ever after and die on the same day, just like in a fairy tale.

A fairy tale, that's what a fairy tale is.

In life, everything is much more complicated and much simpler. More difficult, because the only reasonable criterion, no matter how sad and primitive it sounds, is the psychological maturity and compatibility of partners. It's easier - because the prince in real life is not intended by the script, he can be chosen.

If suddenly the chosen one is “not ready” all the time, then for the sake of him you should not break yourself, no one will appreciate such a sacrifice. Accept, but do not appreciate. And the price will be too high.

And it's not worth waiting for this "unprepared" either. It just seems like there aren't enough men. In fact, enough for everyone.

Many will now be indignant and weightily remind: what compatibility, what psychology, because there is love! And I even agree with this: love, yes, there is. But love is love, and you always want to eat. Sooner or later, it ends with a loud scandal if one or even both participants in the love story froze at the starting point of “love”. Believe me, when they say that marriage is not only love, but also work, hard, daily, not only at home, but also on oneself, this is true. You won't get far on love alone...

Therefore, if you just want to “run away in marriage”, you can grab anyone, using the advice of ladies' gloss. There are many infantile men who fall for primitive tricks. They are easy to take - not by whining, but by rolling.

And if you want a family... It's more complicated. Oh, much more difficult.

PS. Finishing this sheet now, I decided to find out what made Darling marry me. Pushed (two in the morning, by the way). I asked.

I hope this phrase speaks only of our wonderful and one-for-two sense of humor. And not that it's time for me to look for the next victim ...